Predicting Divorce
Filed under: Communication, Conflict, Divorce, Marriage, Relationship Patterns
We know that the first marriage wasn’t always a Garden-of-Eden experience, right? The first couple had their share of problems (see Genesis 3 and beyond), and contemporary couples do, too.
It usually doesn’t take long for couples to figure out that marriage is challenging, if not down right difficult at times.
In fact, the number one reason people seek the help of a counselor is due to distress in a close relationship.
Although marital difficulty doesn’t necessarily lead to divorce, it’s good to know how to recognize the warning signs.
What relationship factors predict divorce?
According to Dr. Gottman’s marriage research, the following were characteristic of couples who divorced.
- In unhappy couples, partners still made many bids for attention, closeness, or reassurance. However, they only responded to each other’s bids 33% of the time.
- Wives raised issues harshly and tended to make generalized statements, such as “You never …,” “You always …,” or “What’s wrong with you?”
- Unhappy husbands got upset more easily (as indicated by heart rate, breathing, etc.) during arguments and had a harder time calming down.
- As a result, husbands tended to shut down and become as blank as a wall or to withdraw from their wives.
- Sometimes, wives shut down and/or withdrew. It was particularly disastrous if the wife was the one to withdraw.
- In short, when arguments started with a harsh comment, 94% of the time they only got worse!
Trapped in a Cycle
Before they realize what’s happened to them, many couples develop an unhealthy cycle of interactions.
- Criticism – launching an attack on your partner by questioning his or her character, intelligence, and/or abilities
- Stonewalling – withdrawing and/or refusing to respond to your partner
- Defensiveness – reactively attacking for self-protection
- Contempt – this one is particularly toxic (Couples who show contempt, either verbally or nonverbally, for one another rarely fare well.)
Relationship Repair
Even so, Gottman found that 83% of newlyweds who criticized, stonewalled, and/or made defensive attacks were able to stabilize their marriages over time if … they learned how to make adequate repairs of the damage after the fight.
Learn to Help Couples in OC
Filed under: Biblical Principles, Communication, Conflict, Dating, Divorce, Engaged, Events, Marriage, Marriage Ministries, Premarital Counseling
Register by September 20th and S-A-V-E!
Learn to help couples identify their strengths and growth areas in categories such as Communication, Conflict Resolution, Spiritual Beliefs, and Financial Management. The PREPARE/ENRICH Facilitator Certification Workshop is designed to help facilitators learn how to administer PREPARE/ENRICH and provide feedback to premarital and married couples using six core and over 20 supplemental exercises.
October 30, 2010
Saturday, 9:00 am – 4:00 pm
Seminar Director: Dr. Debi Smith
Hosted by: Cornerstone & Placentia United Methodist Churches
2050 Valencia Avenue
Placentia, CA 92870
The Simple Truth About Men
Filed under: Communication, Conflict, Dating, Emotions, Female Point of View, Gender Differences, Male Point of View, Relationship Patterns
Did you ever wonder why so many women have the very same complaints about men? There’s a reason, and it’s probably not what you’re thinking!
Most of us have been terribly misinformed about men. In fact, we’ve been lied to, and we don’t even realize it. I’m on a mission to change that – to help women learn what I’ve learned in my own relationships, through many years of focused study, and in working with distressed couples in my private practice in Southern California.
Over the years, I’ve heard women complain over and over again about one of the biggest challenges they face in their relationships with men: the lack of communication. Most women work very hard to create a loving home and/or environment, but the men they love often don’t respond to them the way they’d like. Whether it’s trying to get a man to listen or getting him to talk, failed attempts to communicate with him may leave you feeling …
- abandoned
- blown off
- dismissed
- frustrated
- isolated
- lonely
- pushed away
- rejected
- shut out
- undesirable
- unloved
- unwanted
Even so, women are no quitters! They keep trying and trying – to give and to get attention – but their partners frequently withdraw more and more with each attempt to break through the wall. Their men offer monosyllabic responses at best, and anger at worst.
For women, communication is everything. In fact, women thrive on conversation. Is it any wonder we want to have real, meaningful conversations with the men we love? We want to share our secrets and our hopes and dreams, as well as the intimate and emotional details of our day with those who are closest to us. When something’s bothering us, we want to talk about it. We don’t necessarily want it fixed, but we NEED to talk about it.
Why don’t men seem to get that? It’s particularly puzzling when you realize that men need many of the very same things women do when it comes to intimate communication. In fact, Dr. John Gottman’s marital research over the past three decades clearly shows us that both men and women need to get a positive response – a response that says “tell me more” – from their mate about 86% of the time.
So what can we do? In reading the book Why Won’t He Talk to Me, you’ll learn how to greatly increase your chances of getting the response you need from him. Each chapter contains questions and exercises that will help you evaluate your own relationship, as well as specific exercises you can do to put the principles into practice right now!
Click to read Why Won’t He Talk to Me online now.
Are Women More Complicated Than Men?
Filed under: Communication, Female Point of View, Gender Differences, Male Point of View
So many couples who are experiencing relationship problems seem to need an interpreter.
In fact, what I mostly do during a couple’s counseling session is to to translate “what he just said” into words that she can understand, and then translate “what she just said” into words that he can understand.
So on the surface, it seems like poor communication is the problem. But like so many other things in life, there’s more to it than that.
In other words, the lack of connection and understanding run deeper than mere word-choice. There are some fundamental biological and social differences that lead to very different world views — a situation that’s not easily resolved, especially when it prevents us from even trying to understand.
At the root, we find the commonly held belief that “men are simple,” and “women are complicated.” I hear that a lot, so much so that it seems to be universally accepted as an immutable fact of life — one that gets in the way of any hope for a better connection. Internet author Grantley Morris puts it this way:
There seems a common belief that women are more complicated than men. This belief has perhaps contributed to more marriage problems than any other belief. Men generally conclude from it that women are so hard to understand that there’s no point in even trying to understand them. (Women who try to maintain an aura of mystery may be doing so to their own hurt.) And women tend to assume that men are so easy to understand that there is no need to even try to understand them better. So when it comes to better understanding the opposite sex, it’s often the case that men feel defeated before they start and women barely see a need to start.
For a little more insight into the emotional world of men, you might enjoy the FREE eCourse: Why Won’t He Talk to Me?
The First Two Years in Marriage are Critical
Filed under: Divorce, Engaged, Marriage, Premarital Counseling
by Sheri & Bob Stritof
As the topic of matrimonial success and divorce is studied more and more, research is showing that how a couple weathers their first two years together can make or break their marriage. A study, “The Connubial Crucible: Newlywed Years as Predictors of Marital Delight, Distress, and Divorce” by Ted L. Huston, John P. Caughlin, Renate M. Houts, Shanna E. Smith, and Laura J. George was published in The Journal of Personality and Social Psychology (2001;80:237-252).
According to Dr. Huston of the University of Texas at Austin, “This study showed that couples’ newlywed marriages and changes in their union over the first 2 years foreshadow their long-term marital fate after 13 years… disillusionment—as reflected in an abatement of love, a decline in overt affection, a lessening of the conviction that one’s spouse is responsive, and an increase in ambivalence—distinguishes couples headed for divorce from those who establish a stable marital bond.” The researchers discovered “differences between the happily married and unhappily married groups were apparent right after they tied the knot.”
The study looked at 156 couples who were married for the first time in 1981. Researchers discovered that after 13 years:
- 68 couples were happily married
- 32 couples were unhappily married
- 56 couples had divorced
The couples who divorced within the first two years showed signs of disillusionment and were negative toward one another in the first two months of their marriage. It is a sign of trouble if a newlywed couple starts to have disillusionment within the first year. The couples who are still happily married are couples who were able to have positive feelings about their spouse in the first two years.
If you find yourself a bit depressed after your wedding, it’s ok. It’s normal. You’ve both been caught up in time consuming wedding preparations. It is a sure bet that once you don’t have that stress to deal with, you will have a sense of loss. It’s similar to the post holiday let down that many people experience.
However, it is important to not ignore this period of depression. Being prepared for … [read more]
Free Marriage Enrichment Program for Pastors
If you’re a pastor – or you’re married to one – you know how easy it can be to slip into the habit of nurturing your congregation at the expense of your own relationship.
Volumes of research have been conducted on how important the marital relationship is for your mental and physical health. Yet it can also be hard for pastors to find a safe place to work on their marriage.
If you live in Orange County, that’s where we come in: We’re offering a 6-week marital enrichment program for pastors this summer. It’s free. It’s confidential. It’s proven to work.
To get started, give us a call @ 800.705.6223
Relationship Assessment & Marriage Counseling
Filed under: Counseling, Dating, Divorce, Engaged, Marriage, Marriage Ministries, Premarital Counseling
With divorce rates hovering around 50% for first marriages, it is no secret that creating a lasting marriage can take some work. We recently conducted one of the largest national marriage surveys ever completed, collecting responses from over 50,000 married couples. After analyzing the results, we were able to identify the top 5 predictors of happy marriages. But we were also able to identify common issues which seem to challenge all couples. These results are summarized in the book, The Couple Checkup.
Common Issues for all Married Couples
- In 76% of marriages, one or both spouses said, “I wish my partner were more willing to share his/her feelings.”
- 69% of couples report, “I sometimes have difficulty asking my partner for what I want.”
Finances
- 72% of the time, one or both spouses said, “I wish my partner was more careful about spending money.”
- A full 71% of couples report, “We have trouble saving money.”
Sex
- 68% of those surveyed said, “I am dissatisfied with the amount of affection I receive from my partner.”
- 66% of married couples express concern about “differing levels of sexual interest.”
Parenting
- 82% of married couples report, “Having children has reduced our marital satisfaction.”
- This may be caused in part by the fact that 64% of couples say, “My partner focuses more on the children than on our marriage.”
Personality Issues
- 87% of couples indicate, “My partner is sometimes too stubborn.”
- 83% of the time, one or both report, “My partner is too negative or critical.”
Conflict
- In 78% of marriages, one or both partners, “go out of there way to avoid conflict.”
- 77% of couples say, “We have different ideas about the best way to solve our disagreements.”
Communication, money, sex . . . these are common issues for all couples. If you are struggling in your marriage, you may be tempted to believe you’re the only one who feels the way you do. Be assured, you are not alone; all couples have challenges they need to overcome.
The Couple Checkup
The Couple Checkup inventory and Discussion Guide have been designed to help you identify, understand, and deal with ongoing issues, so you can begin the process of healing. The online Couple Checkup will automatically adjust the content to match your relationship stage and family structure, providing you with the most relevant content for your marriage. The inventory will help you identify not only your issues, but also your relationship strengths. You can then use your strengths to begin rebuilding your marriage.
There’s a reason doctors start with assessment. By taking your temperature, blood pressure, or an x-ray, they begin to understand what’s below the surface. Once they understand the issues, they can make treatment recommendations with confidence. The Couple Checkup Report gives you the feedback you need to find direction and start the healing process in your marriage.
No healing process is quick or easy. You have to dedicate yourselves to working on your marriage relationship. Some couples will improve as they take responsibility for their own behavior and build their relationship skills through the Couple Checkup process. Start your Couple Checkup today »
Dr. Debi Smith
NOTE: Others may find they need additional help through marriage counseling. If you live in Southern California, give me a call. I’m a Certified PREPARE-ENRICH Facilitator, and I’m here to help.
Phone/FAX: 800.705.6223
Email: Just click here.
Faith, Marriage, and a Bit of Gratitude
By Dr. Matt Turvey, PREPARE-ENRICH
I represented PREPARE-ENRICH and the Couple Checkup at a national conference last week hosted by the National Association of Catholic Family Life Ministers. The goal of the conference was to develop “marriage-building” parishes and churches. A lofty goal, no doubt.
Like other conferences, there were great speakers, exhibits, workshops, networking to be had, etc., etc. If you’ve ever been to a professional conference, you know the routine; they’re all pretty similar. What set this one apart for me was the passion and drive of all the people there. The conference was full of individuals, couples, entire families, priests, deacons, and business people who believed whole-heartedly that healthy marriages and relationships make a difference in the well-being of individuals – and in the health of the church. These are the people that faithfully work with couples in relationship crisis, those looking to go from good to great, and those who just were never given a good example of what happy and healthy marriages could look like. Everybody I talked to said they were driven by their faith and its prominent role in their own marriage.
Whether or not you’ve ever darkened or intend to darken the door of a church, I think you’d agree with me that the people at this conference (and others like it) are often unsung heroes that toil in anonymity, doing everything they can to make sure folks like you and I have a safe place to turn to when our marriage is struggling. They provide resources, classes, counseling, coaching, assessments, retreats, books, CDs, etc. They believe wholeheartedly in the mission of supporting healthy marriages – maybe your marriage, or my marriage – and they do it without a huge paycheck, without recognition, without even knowing if what they’re doing is always making a difference. I appreciate them. I applaud their efforts, their outreaches, their work to make sure you and I have a place to turn when our marriages need it.
If you live in Southern California, and you would like to participate in the PREPARE-ENRICH program, please contact:
Dr. Debi Smith
Seminar Director, Licensed Psychologist
OC Christian Counseling
800.705.6223
Why did God give us feelings?
Imagine you are going for a walk along the beach. The gentle breeze is soothing to your soul, and the warm sand feels amazing under your bare feet. You wander down to the water’s edge and lose yourself completely as you watch the waves lapping at the shore.
You’re mesmerized by the flight of the seagulls, suspended in mid-air as though they were held in place by an invisible string. Off in the distance you see a lone surfer paddling his way toward the few waves that are beginning to appear not far from the horizon.
Suddenly, you feel a sharp pain in your foot and something warm and wet trickling down your ankle. But you don’t want to ruin the experience of the moment, so you try to ignore it. You don’t even look down. You just turn your foot on its side, which seems to lessen the pain a bit, and continue walking toward the pier.
You hobble up the concrete steps and along the wooden planks above the waves, heading toward your favorite restaurant, where your best friend is waiting for you. Your friend notices the grim look on your face and asks what’s wrong.
“I don’t know what it is. I was enjoying this great walk on the beach, but few minutes ago my back started hurting. Guess I’m just under a lot of stress. Maybe I need a massage.”
Had you paid immediate attention to to the painful sensation, you would have looked down to see that you’d stumbled over a broken bottle that cut a deep gash on the inside of your foot and ankle. You’d have sought out some sort of medical care – first aid – to address the problem and make sure that your wound had the best chance of being properly healed.
However, in wanting to focus only on the pleasant, you’ve ignored – denied – missed out on some critically important information. In the weeks and months ahead, you will continue to wonder about your back pain and fail to take care of the real issue of the gash in your foot. Which, by the way, would have been a rather straightforward healing process.
Our emotions are not all that different from our physical feelings. For more information, get instant access to my new eCourse now @ “Getting” Emotional.
Premarital Counseling in Orange County
Your marriage is one of the most important and satisfying relationships you’ll every have. And like any quality relationship, to get a lot out of it, you have to put a lot into it. A successful marriage takes an investment of time, effort, and a commitment to your partner and to the relationship.
It takes trust, honesty, sharing your goals and dreams, and understanding each other’s values and outlooks on life. It also requires good listening skills, having an open mind, and a whole list of other qualities that are sometimes overlooked.
One of the keys is healthy communication. But how do you bring up difficult topics? How do you create a safe environment for open discussion? How to you listen in an understanding and loving way? How do you encourage those heart-to-heart conversations that are so key to really understanding your partner?
Build a strong, happy marriage with PREPARE/ENRICH.
The PREPARE/ENRICH Program is a proven tool, scientifically developed to help couples stimulate honest, open dialogue about some of the most difficult subjects to discuss. Using our assessment tools, you’ll find it easier to understand your partner and create a deeper, healthier relationship, and sustain it over the years to come.
How does the program work?
You begin by taking the PREPARE/ENIRCH Inventory online to identify your current strengths and growth areas as a couple. You’ll then meet with Ylena, who will provide feedback to help you understand your results, as well as teach you important relationship skills during six 45-minute sessions. From beginning to end, the program is designed to be comfortable, relaxed, and even fun!
NOTE: As you prepare for your Wedding, you’re are going to get really busy, so we recommend you begin Premarital Counseling about three months before your Wedding Date.
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| Ylena Parks, MA Staff Therapist |
During Premarital Counseling, you will:
- Identify your strengths as a couple and build new ones
- Strengthen your communication skills
- Uncover stressful areas and resolve conflicts
- Explore your families of origin
- Comfortably discuss financial issues
- Establish personal, couple, and family goals
- Understand and appreciate personality differences
How much does Premarital Counseling cost?
We’re all about building strong marriages, so we offer this customized 6-week program with Ylena Parks, a professionally-trained counselor, for only $175.00 (plus $29.95 for the PREPARE/ENRICH Inventory).
Ready to get started? Click here to contact Ylena now!
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