Relationship Assessment & Marriage Counseling
Filed under: Counseling, Dating, Divorce, Engaged, Marriage, Marriage Ministries, Premarital Counseling
With divorce rates hovering around 50% for first marriages, it is no secret that creating a lasting marriage can take some work. We recently conducted one of the largest national marriage surveys ever completed, collecting responses from over 50,000 married couples. After analyzing the results, we were able to identify the top 5 predictors of happy marriages. But we were also able to identify common issues which seem to challenge all couples. These results are summarized in the book, The Couple Checkup.
Common Issues for all Married Couples
- In 76% of marriages, one or both spouses said, “I wish my partner were more willing to share his/her feelings.”
- 69% of couples report, “I sometimes have difficulty asking my partner for what I want.”
Finances
- 72% of the time, one or both spouses said, “I wish my partner was more careful about spending money.”
- A full 71% of couples report, “We have trouble saving money.”
Sex
- 68% of those surveyed said, “I am dissatisfied with the amount of affection I receive from my partner.”
- 66% of married couples express concern about “differing levels of sexual interest.”
Parenting
- 82% of married couples report, “Having children has reduced our marital satisfaction.”
- This may be caused in part by the fact that 64% of couples say, “My partner focuses more on the children than on our marriage.”
Personality Issues
- 87% of couples indicate, “My partner is sometimes too stubborn.”
- 83% of the time, one or both report, “My partner is too negative or critical.”
Conflict
- In 78% of marriages, one or both partners, “go out of there way to avoid conflict.”
- 77% of couples say, “We have different ideas about the best way to solve our disagreements.”
Communication, money, sex . . . these are common issues for all couples. If you are struggling in your marriage, you may be tempted to believe you’re the only one who feels the way you do. Be assured, you are not alone; all couples have challenges they need to overcome.
The Couple Checkup
The Couple Checkup inventory and Discussion Guide have been designed to help you identify, understand, and deal with ongoing issues, so you can begin the process of healing. The online Couple Checkup will automatically adjust the content to match your relationship stage and family structure, providing you with the most relevant content for your marriage. The inventory will help you identify not only your issues, but also your relationship strengths. You can then use your strengths to begin rebuilding your marriage.
There’s a reason doctors start with assessment. By taking your temperature, blood pressure, or an x-ray, they begin to understand what’s below the surface. Once they understand the issues, they can make treatment recommendations with confidence. The Couple Checkup Report gives you the feedback you need to find direction and start the healing process in your marriage.
No healing process is quick or easy. You have to dedicate yourselves to working on your marriage relationship. Some couples will improve as they take responsibility for their own behavior and build their relationship skills through the Couple Checkup process. Start your Couple Checkup today »
Dr. Debi Smith
NOTE: Others may find they need additional help through marriage counseling. If you live in Southern California, give me a call. I’m a Certified PREPARE-ENRICH Facilitator, and I’m here to help.
Phone/FAX: 800.705.6223
Email: Just click here.
A Safe Place
What to do when your spouse won’t go to counseling
Filed under: Ask, Conflict, Counseling, Marriage, Relationship Patterns
advice from Michael & Amy Smalley
This is not an uncommon issue couples have when their marriage gets stressed out. My first bit of advice is to relax and take a deep breath. You are not the only person on the planet who’s spouse will not go to counseling. Do not feel ashamed, embarrassed, or isolated. These emotions will only make things worse. You can feel sad that your spouse refuses to go to counseling, but you do not want your attitude to turn nasty because of his or her refusal.
What you can do is go to counseling. There is a misconception about the need for both the husband and wife to attend counseling together. This is not totally necessary. You can experience incredible change simply by changing yourself. Whatever dysfunctional pattern your marriage has adopted, when you finally start doing things differently, the pattern is permanently changed.
Dr. Debi Smith also suggests:
If you’ve already talked about it at length and you’re ready to begin counseling now but your spouse isn’t, you might want to go ahead and make an appointment, then say something like:
“I know I need some help figuring out what I’m doing wrong in our relationship. I made an appointment with Dr. Smith next Tuesday at 7 o’clock, and I’d really like it if you would come with me.”
Don’t say anything more. Don’t press for an answer or remind him or her that you’re going. Just go.
If you live in Southern California, just click here and let’s get started!
Premarital Counseling: A biblically-sound, research-based approach
Filed under: Counseling, Engaged, Marriage, Marriage Ministries
At OC Christian Couples, we believe that old adage that “an ounce of prevention equals a pound of cure.”
In other words, it’s best to seek counsel early and learn how to create or enhance and maintain a loving, safe, and happy relationship — not only after the wedding, but from this day forward!
This program is based on sound biblical principles and scientific research to help you develop the kind of relationship that God intends for you to have.
Did you know that . . .
- problematic patterns of interaction develop early in a couple’s relationship, often during the dating phase?
- many couples believe things will improve once they’re married?
- to the contrary, these patterns persist over time and often escalate as the relationship continues?
- the number one reason people seek the help of a counselor is due to distress in a close relationship?
Get Your Marriage Off to a Great Start! Click here to read about our premarital counseling.
Stress Levels Are at an All-Time High
Filed under: Counseling, Divorce, EFT, Marriage, Relationship Patterns
Things are tough throughout America right now. In the midst of it all, you think of your mate and wonder…
- “Can I count on her?”
- “Why won’t he talk about what’s wrong?”
If you aren’t getting the right answer — if you aren’t finding comfort and encouragement in one another — you don’t have to give up on your relationship!
Could you use some help?
- Are you in a negative cycle that takes over your relationship?
- Are you going round and round or — worse yet — nowhere at all?
Sometimes you need a safe place to talk things through — a place where your faith is taken seriously.
We’re here to walk you through some very practical steps that can help you save and enrich your relationship by creating a safe emotional connection and a new, more supportive way to be together.
Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) is a short term (8-20 sessions), structured approach to couples therapy formulated in the early 80s. Research studies find that 70-73% of couples move from distress to recovery, and approximately 90% show significant improvements in their relationships.
With So Much at Stake …
… choosing the right therapist is
more important than ever!
In fact, finding the right therapist could save you a lot of time and money and frustration!
Our therapists are experienced with men’s and women’s issues, and we know you both need to feel comfortable with your choice of counselor.
Don’t wait. Schedule your appointment today!
The Couple Checkup
Filed under: Counseling, Dating, Engaged, Marriage, Marriage Ministries
by PREPARE/ENRICH
The Couple Checkup is designed to help you and your partner build a more satisfying and intimate relationship. Just answering the questions will stimulate thoughts and attitudes about your relationship. It is designed to activate dialogue, discovery, and increase the overall quality of your relationship.
Why take the Couple Checkup?
The Couple Checkup will help you discover your strengths as a couple. Strengths are what enable you to enjoy, and to continue developing a healthy relationship. It will also help you identify issues that are threatening the vitality of your relationship and may need to be addressed.
Whether you are dating, engaged or married, the Couple Checkup is valuable and relevant. After indicating the stage of your relationship, the Couple Checkup will automatically select applicable questions for you and your partner. It is designed for any couple desiring to enrich their relationship. Read more.
I didn’t marry you because you were perfect.
Filed under: Biblical Principles, Communication, Counseling, Divorce, Forgiveness, Marriage
“I didn’t marry you because you were perfect. I didn’t even marry you because I loved you. I married you because you gave me a promise. That promise made up for your faults. And the promise I gave you made up for mine. Two imperfect people got married and it was the promise that made the marriage. And when our children were growing up, it wasn’t a house that protected them; and it wasn’t our love that protected them – it was that promise.”
~ Thornton Wilder, The Skin of Our Teeth
None of us married expecting failure. We expected to stand by one another for a lifetime. However, we were ill prepared for the challenge. Because of our own insecurities, we said and did things that hurt our spouses. We built a wall between us that now seems impossible to cross. We feel like giving up.
The good news is that it’s not too late not only to save your marriage, but to make it all you hoped it would be on the day you made your promise. We’re here to help.
May your fountain be blessed,
and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth.
~ Proverbs 5:18
OC Christian Counseling
Garden Grove, CA
Phone: 800.705.6223
Offering Compassion and Renewed Hope for Living the Abundant Life
Filed under: Counseling, Dating, Divorce, EFT, Marriage, Relationship Patterns
Garden Grove, CA — Sometimes life is difficult, and you need a safe place to talk things through — a place where your faith is taken seriously.
In response to this growing need, OC Christian Counseling has hired a new Psych Assistant, Daniel L. Pallesen, to provide counseling and psychological services for individuals and couples from Los Angeles and Orange counties.
Daniel L. Pallesen, MA (PSB33656)
- Dan is trained in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) and is currently studying the EFT approach to working with couples.
- Experienced in working with both men’s and women’s issues, Dan will be a regular contributor to Christian Psychology News.
- Dan earned his Master’s degree in Clinical Psychology at Rosemead School of Psychology at Biola University, where he is continuing his doctoral studies.
To schedule a free presentation by Dan, please call 800.705.6223 or email OCCC.
Note: OCCC’s outreach ministry provides educational programs to address the emotional, relational, and spiritual needs of persons in the Church and in the Community. All programs and services are based on Christian values and offered to all regardless of religious affiliation. Our nonjudgmental approach reflects our desire to meet people at their point of need.
Deborah L. Smith, PsyD, is a California Licensed Psychologist PSY21711. She supervises Dan in his clinical work and in his outreach activities as a pre-licensed professional.
The Truth About Relationships
Filed under: Biblical Principles, Counseling, Dating, EFT, Emotions, Engaged, Marriage, Relationship Patterns
I’m amazed at the effectiveness of pop psychology. For years we’ve been told that people need to be complete in themselves (i.e., independent) before they can find a meaningful relationship. It reminds me of what my son said to me when he was a teenager looking for his first part-time job:
Mom, they all want to hire someone “with experience.” How can I get “experience” if no one will hire me?
As Christians, we do that, too. It’s like trying to get it all together before we come to God for help, which, by the way, is a very unbiblical approach. How can he supply our needs if we deny that we have any?
In sum, our culture (both inside and outside the Church) tells us that we need to not need anything before our needs can be met. Does that sound as crazy to you as it does to me?
The truth is that we all need. It’s a big part of what makes us human and, therefore, not God. As a friend once put it, “Saying someone is ‘too needy’ is like saying they’re ‘too human’!”
The truth is we need relationships because we are needy people. We’re dependent whether we’re willing to admit it or not. It’s as certain as the Law of Gravity! Even if you don’t buy the whole “gravity thing,” every time you leap into the air, you will still end up on the ground!
Like gravity, our neediness is part of our God-given human nature. We need, and we must depend on others (God and people) to meet our needs.
The question, then, becomes whether we have learned to be “effectively dependent” or to be “ineffectively dependent” on one another. In our upcoming posts, we’ll be exploring the varied ways we are “ineffectively dependent” on one another.
Why do marriages fail?
Filed under: Conflict, Counseling, Divorce, EFT, Emotions, Marriage
The following quote is from Hold Me Tight:
“When marriages fail, it is not increasing conflict that is the cause. It is decreasing affection and emotional responsiveness, according to a landmark study by Ted Huston of the University of Texas. Indeed, the lack of emotional responsiveness rather than the level of conflict is the best predictor of how solid a marriage will be five years into it. The demise of marriages begins with a growing absence of responsive intimate interactions. The conflict comes later.” (Johnson, 2008, p. 38)
If you live in Southern California and would like more help reconnecting with your partner, please click here.
FREE Books
