Happy couples respond positively to one another.
Filed under: Communication, Conflict, Dating, Emotions, Engaged, Marriage, Premarital Counseling, Relationship Patterns
Partners continually make “bids” for each other’s attention, closeness, and reassurance through comments, questions, and/or gestures.
In successful marriages, spouses responded positively to these bids 86% of the time. Through their words and their actions, they invited more connection. They communicated (with or without words), “You matter to me,” and “I want to connect with you, too.” In fact, successful couples made at least 20 (yes, twenty) positive remarks for every 1 (one) negative remark!
And They Lived Happily Ever After
Filed under: Communication, Conflict, Gender Differences, Marriage, Relationship Patterns
The Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.” … So the Lord God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man’s ribs and closed up the place with flesh. Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man.The man said,
This is now bone of my bones
and flesh of my flesh;
she shall be called ‘woman,’
for she was taken out of man.
For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh. (Genesis 2:18-24)
And They Lived Happily Ever After?
At least that’s what both men and women hope for when they marry.
Marriage researcher Dr. John Gottman has been studying couple relationships for more than 20 years in his Seattle clinic. Read more tomorrow to learn some of what he’s discovered.
Predicting Divorce
Filed under: Communication, Conflict, Divorce, Marriage, Relationship Patterns
We know that the first marriage wasn’t always a Garden-of-Eden experience, right? The first couple had their share of problems (see Genesis 3 and beyond), and contemporary couples do, too.
It usually doesn’t take long for couples to figure out that marriage is challenging, if not down right difficult at times.
In fact, the number one reason people seek the help of a counselor is due to distress in a close relationship.
Although marital difficulty doesn’t necessarily lead to divorce, it’s good to know how to recognize the warning signs.
What relationship factors predict divorce?
According to Dr. Gottman’s marriage research, the following were characteristic of couples who divorced.
- In unhappy couples, partners still made many bids for attention, closeness, or reassurance. However, they only responded to each other’s bids 33% of the time.
- Wives raised issues harshly and tended to make generalized statements, such as “You never …,” “You always …,” or “What’s wrong with you?”
- Unhappy husbands got upset more easily (as indicated by heart rate, breathing, etc.) during arguments and had a harder time calming down.
- As a result, husbands tended to shut down and become as blank as a wall or to withdraw from their wives.
- Sometimes, wives shut down and/or withdrew. It was particularly disastrous if the wife was the one to withdraw.
- In short, when arguments started with a harsh comment, 94% of the time they only got worse!
Trapped in a Cycle
Before they realize what’s happened to them, many couples develop an unhealthy cycle of interactions.
- Criticism – launching an attack on your partner by questioning his or her character, intelligence, and/or abilities
- Stonewalling – withdrawing and/or refusing to respond to your partner
- Defensiveness – reactively attacking for self-protection
- Contempt – this one is particularly toxic (Couples who show contempt, either verbally or nonverbally, for one another rarely fare well.)
Relationship Repair
Even so, Gottman found that 83% of newlyweds who criticized, stonewalled, and/or made defensive attacks were able to stabilize their marriages over time if … they learned how to make adequate repairs of the damage after the fight.
Learn to Help Couples in OC
Filed under: Biblical Principles, Communication, Conflict, Dating, Divorce, Engaged, Events, Marriage, Marriage Ministries, Premarital Counseling
Register by September 20th and S-A-V-E!
Learn to help couples identify their strengths and growth areas in categories such as Communication, Conflict Resolution, Spiritual Beliefs, and Financial Management. The PREPARE/ENRICH Facilitator Certification Workshop is designed to help facilitators learn how to administer PREPARE/ENRICH and provide feedback to premarital and married couples using six core and over 20 supplemental exercises.
October 30, 2010
Saturday, 9:00 am – 4:00 pm
Seminar Director: Dr. Debi Smith
Hosted by: Cornerstone & Placentia United Methodist Churches
2050 Valencia Avenue
Placentia, CA 92870
The Simple Truth About Men
Filed under: Communication, Conflict, Dating, Emotions, Female Point of View, Gender Differences, Male Point of View, Relationship Patterns
Did you ever wonder why so many women have the very same complaints about men? There’s a reason, and it’s probably not what you’re thinking!
Most of us have been terribly misinformed about men. In fact, we’ve been lied to, and we don’t even realize it. I’m on a mission to change that – to help women learn what I’ve learned in my own relationships, through many years of focused study, and in working with distressed couples in my private practice in Southern California.
Over the years, I’ve heard women complain over and over again about one of the biggest challenges they face in their relationships with men: the lack of communication. Most women work very hard to create a loving home and/or environment, but the men they love often don’t respond to them the way they’d like. Whether it’s trying to get a man to listen or getting him to talk, failed attempts to communicate with him may leave you feeling …
- abandoned
- blown off
- dismissed
- frustrated
- isolated
- lonely
- pushed away
- rejected
- shut out
- undesirable
- unloved
- unwanted
Even so, women are no quitters! They keep trying and trying – to give and to get attention – but their partners frequently withdraw more and more with each attempt to break through the wall. Their men offer monosyllabic responses at best, and anger at worst.
For women, communication is everything. In fact, women thrive on conversation. Is it any wonder we want to have real, meaningful conversations with the men we love? We want to share our secrets and our hopes and dreams, as well as the intimate and emotional details of our day with those who are closest to us. When something’s bothering us, we want to talk about it. We don’t necessarily want it fixed, but we NEED to talk about it.
Why don’t men seem to get that? It’s particularly puzzling when you realize that men need many of the very same things women do when it comes to intimate communication. In fact, Dr. John Gottman’s marital research over the past three decades clearly shows us that both men and women need to get a positive response – a response that says “tell me more” – from their mate about 86% of the time.
So what can we do? In reading the book Why Won’t He Talk to Me, you’ll learn how to greatly increase your chances of getting the response you need from him. Each chapter contains questions and exercises that will help you evaluate your own relationship, as well as specific exercises you can do to put the principles into practice right now!
Click to read Why Won’t He Talk to Me online now.
Are Women More Complicated Than Men?
Filed under: Communication, Female Point of View, Gender Differences, Male Point of View
So many couples who are experiencing relationship problems seem to need an interpreter.
In fact, what I mostly do during a couple’s counseling session is to to translate “what he just said” into words that she can understand, and then translate “what she just said” into words that he can understand.
So on the surface, it seems like poor communication is the problem. But like so many other things in life, there’s more to it than that.
In other words, the lack of connection and understanding run deeper than mere word-choice. There are some fundamental biological and social differences that lead to very different world views — a situation that’s not easily resolved, especially when it prevents us from even trying to understand.
At the root, we find the commonly held belief that “men are simple,” and “women are complicated.” I hear that a lot, so much so that it seems to be universally accepted as an immutable fact of life — one that gets in the way of any hope for a better connection. Internet author Grantley Morris puts it this way:
There seems a common belief that women are more complicated than men. This belief has perhaps contributed to more marriage problems than any other belief. Men generally conclude from it that women are so hard to understand that there’s no point in even trying to understand them. (Women who try to maintain an aura of mystery may be doing so to their own hurt.) And women tend to assume that men are so easy to understand that there is no need to even try to understand them better. So when it comes to better understanding the opposite sex, it’s often the case that men feel defeated before they start and women barely see a need to start.
For a little more insight into the emotional world of men, you might enjoy the FREE eCourse: Why Won’t He Talk to Me?
Why did God give us feelings?
Imagine you are going for a walk along the beach. The gentle breeze is soothing to your soul, and the warm sand feels amazing under your bare feet. You wander down to the water’s edge and lose yourself completely as you watch the waves lapping at the shore.
You’re mesmerized by the flight of the seagulls, suspended in mid-air as though they were held in place by an invisible string. Off in the distance you see a lone surfer paddling his way toward the few waves that are beginning to appear not far from the horizon.
Suddenly, you feel a sharp pain in your foot and something warm and wet trickling down your ankle. But you don’t want to ruin the experience of the moment, so you try to ignore it. You don’t even look down. You just turn your foot on its side, which seems to lessen the pain a bit, and continue walking toward the pier.
You hobble up the concrete steps and along the wooden planks above the waves, heading toward your favorite restaurant, where your best friend is waiting for you. Your friend notices the grim look on your face and asks what’s wrong.
“I don’t know what it is. I was enjoying this great walk on the beach, but few minutes ago my back started hurting. Guess I’m just under a lot of stress. Maybe I need a massage.”
Had you paid immediate attention to to the painful sensation, you would have looked down to see that you’d stumbled over a broken bottle that cut a deep gash on the inside of your foot and ankle. You’d have sought out some sort of medical care – first aid – to address the problem and make sure that your wound had the best chance of being properly healed.
However, in wanting to focus only on the pleasant, you’ve ignored – denied – missed out on some critically important information. In the weeks and months ahead, you will continue to wonder about your back pain and fail to take care of the real issue of the gash in your foot. Which, by the way, would have been a rather straightforward healing process.
Our emotions are not all that different from our physical feelings. For more information, get instant access to my new eCourse now @ “Getting” Emotional.
Premarital Counseling in Orange County
Your marriage is one of the most important and satisfying relationships you’ll every have. And like any quality relationship, to get a lot out of it, you have to put a lot into it. A successful marriage takes an investment of time, effort, and a commitment to your partner and to the relationship.
It takes trust, honesty, sharing your goals and dreams, and understanding each other’s values and outlooks on life. It also requires good listening skills, having an open mind, and a whole list of other qualities that are sometimes overlooked.
One of the keys is healthy communication. But how do you bring up difficult topics? How do you create a safe environment for open discussion? How to you listen in an understanding and loving way? How do you encourage those heart-to-heart conversations that are so key to really understanding your partner?
Build a strong, happy marriage with PREPARE/ENRICH.
The PREPARE/ENRICH Program is a proven tool, scientifically developed to help couples stimulate honest, open dialogue about some of the most difficult subjects to discuss. Using our assessment tools, you’ll find it easier to understand your partner and create a deeper, healthier relationship, and sustain it over the years to come.
How does the program work?
You begin by taking the PREPARE/ENIRCH Inventory online to identify your current strengths and growth areas as a couple. You’ll then meet with Ylena, who will provide feedback to help you understand your results, as well as teach you important relationship skills during six 45-minute sessions. From beginning to end, the program is designed to be comfortable, relaxed, and even fun!
NOTE: As you prepare for your Wedding, you’re are going to get really busy, so we recommend you begin Premarital Counseling about three months before your Wedding Date.
 |
| Ylena Parks, MA Staff Therapist |
During Premarital Counseling, you will:
- Identify your strengths as a couple and build new ones
- Strengthen your communication skills
- Uncover stressful areas and resolve conflicts
- Explore your families of origin
- Comfortably discuss financial issues
- Establish personal, couple, and family goals
- Understand and appreciate personality differences
How much does Premarital Counseling cost?
We’re all about building strong marriages, so we offer this customized 6-week program with Ylena Parks, a professionally-trained counselor, for only $175.00 (plus $29.95 for the PREPARE/ENRICH Inventory).
Ready to get started? Click here to contact Ylena now!
Really Bad News for Your Relationship
Filed under: Communication, Conflict, Dating, Divorce, Engaged, Gender Differences, Marriage, Relationship Patterns
Have you ever let your anger get the best of you? Debra Barone (of the TV series “Everybody Loves Raymond”) is forever frustrated with her husband, Ray.
And it’s no wonder. He’s forever doing dumb stuff.
Even so, she’s not very supportive. She not only criticizes him (like his mother does), she also puts him down constantly.
In the field of marriage research, that’s our next and last communication problem. Communication Problem #6: CONTEMPT
This one is particularly toxic. Women who show contempt for a man – either verbally or nonverbally – probably won’t get what they want from him.
QUESTION: How often do you talk bad about him to your friends? Roll your eyes when he’s talking? Turn up your nose at one of his ideas? Call him “Idiot” (so he can hear you, or after he’s left the room)? Tell him he needs to grow up?
EXERCISE: Develop an attitude of gratitude for all of his efforts to provide and care for you (and your family if you have one). You don’t have to say it to him: Just remind yourself daily – or moment by moment – that he is of infinite worth as a human being. Find the good in him and dwell on that, rather than ruminate on all his shortcomings.
Want to learn more about Couple Communication? Register for the full course online now @ www.OCChristianCounseling.com
A Brief Lesson in Empathy
Filed under: Communication, Emotions, Female Point of View, Male Point of View
FREE Books
