Predicting Divorce
Filed under: Communication, Conflict, Divorce, Marriage, Relationship Patterns
We know that the first marriage wasn’t always a Garden-of-Eden experience, right? The first couple had their share of problems (see Genesis 3 and beyond), and contemporary couples do, too.
It usually doesn’t take long for couples to figure out that marriage is challenging, if not down right difficult at times.
In fact, the number one reason people seek the help of a counselor is due to distress in a close relationship.
Although marital difficulty doesn’t necessarily lead to divorce, it’s good to know how to recognize the warning signs.
What relationship factors predict divorce?
According to Dr. Gottman’s marriage research, the following were characteristic of couples who divorced.
- In unhappy couples, partners still made many bids for attention, closeness, or reassurance. However, they only responded to each other’s bids 33% of the time.
- Wives raised issues harshly and tended to make generalized statements, such as “You never …,” “You always …,” or “What’s wrong with you?”
- Unhappy husbands got upset more easily (as indicated by heart rate, breathing, etc.) during arguments and had a harder time calming down.
- As a result, husbands tended to shut down and become as blank as a wall or to withdraw from their wives.
- Sometimes, wives shut down and/or withdrew. It was particularly disastrous if the wife was the one to withdraw.
- In short, when arguments started with a harsh comment, 94% of the time they only got worse!
Trapped in a Cycle
Before they realize what’s happened to them, many couples develop an unhealthy cycle of interactions.
- Criticism – launching an attack on your partner by questioning his or her character, intelligence, and/or abilities
- Stonewalling – withdrawing and/or refusing to respond to your partner
- Defensiveness – reactively attacking for self-protection
- Contempt – this one is particularly toxic (Couples who show contempt, either verbally or nonverbally, for one another rarely fare well.)
Relationship Repair
Even so, Gottman found that 83% of newlyweds who criticized, stonewalled, and/or made defensive attacks were able to stabilize their marriages over time if … they learned how to make adequate repairs of the damage after the fight.
Learn to Help Couples in OC
Filed under: Biblical Principles, Communication, Conflict, Dating, Divorce, Engaged, Events, Marriage, Marriage Ministries, Premarital Counseling
Register by September 20th and S-A-V-E!
Learn to help couples identify their strengths and growth areas in categories such as Communication, Conflict Resolution, Spiritual Beliefs, and Financial Management. The PREPARE/ENRICH Facilitator Certification Workshop is designed to help facilitators learn how to administer PREPARE/ENRICH and provide feedback to premarital and married couples using six core and over 20 supplemental exercises.
October 30, 2010
Saturday, 9:00 am – 4:00 pm
Seminar Director: Dr. Debi Smith
Hosted by: Cornerstone & Placentia United Methodist Churches
2050 Valencia Avenue
Placentia, CA 92870
The First Two Years in Marriage are Critical
Filed under: Divorce, Engaged, Marriage, Premarital Counseling
by Sheri & Bob Stritof
As the topic of matrimonial success and divorce is studied more and more, research is showing that how a couple weathers their first two years together can make or break their marriage. A study, “The Connubial Crucible: Newlywed Years as Predictors of Marital Delight, Distress, and Divorce” by Ted L. Huston, John P. Caughlin, Renate M. Houts, Shanna E. Smith, and Laura J. George was published in The Journal of Personality and Social Psychology (2001;80:237-252).
According to Dr. Huston of the University of Texas at Austin, “This study showed that couples’ newlywed marriages and changes in their union over the first 2 years foreshadow their long-term marital fate after 13 years… disillusionment—as reflected in an abatement of love, a decline in overt affection, a lessening of the conviction that one’s spouse is responsive, and an increase in ambivalence—distinguishes couples headed for divorce from those who establish a stable marital bond.” The researchers discovered “differences between the happily married and unhappily married groups were apparent right after they tied the knot.”
The study looked at 156 couples who were married for the first time in 1981. Researchers discovered that after 13 years:
- 68 couples were happily married
- 32 couples were unhappily married
- 56 couples had divorced
The couples who divorced within the first two years showed signs of disillusionment and were negative toward one another in the first two months of their marriage. It is a sign of trouble if a newlywed couple starts to have disillusionment within the first year. The couples who are still happily married are couples who were able to have positive feelings about their spouse in the first two years.
If you find yourself a bit depressed after your wedding, it’s ok. It’s normal. You’ve both been caught up in time consuming wedding preparations. It is a sure bet that once you don’t have that stress to deal with, you will have a sense of loss. It’s similar to the post holiday let down that many people experience.
However, it is important to not ignore this period of depression. Being prepared for … [read more]
Relationship Assessment & Marriage Counseling
Filed under: Counseling, Dating, Divorce, Engaged, Marriage, Marriage Ministries, Premarital Counseling
With divorce rates hovering around 50% for first marriages, it is no secret that creating a lasting marriage can take some work. We recently conducted one of the largest national marriage surveys ever completed, collecting responses from over 50,000 married couples. After analyzing the results, we were able to identify the top 5 predictors of happy marriages. But we were also able to identify common issues which seem to challenge all couples. These results are summarized in the book, The Couple Checkup.
Common Issues for all Married Couples
- In 76% of marriages, one or both spouses said, “I wish my partner were more willing to share his/her feelings.”
- 69% of couples report, “I sometimes have difficulty asking my partner for what I want.”
Finances
- 72% of the time, one or both spouses said, “I wish my partner was more careful about spending money.”
- A full 71% of couples report, “We have trouble saving money.”
Sex
- 68% of those surveyed said, “I am dissatisfied with the amount of affection I receive from my partner.”
- 66% of married couples express concern about “differing levels of sexual interest.”
Parenting
- 82% of married couples report, “Having children has reduced our marital satisfaction.”
- This may be caused in part by the fact that 64% of couples say, “My partner focuses more on the children than on our marriage.”
Personality Issues
- 87% of couples indicate, “My partner is sometimes too stubborn.”
- 83% of the time, one or both report, “My partner is too negative or critical.”
Conflict
- In 78% of marriages, one or both partners, “go out of there way to avoid conflict.”
- 77% of couples say, “We have different ideas about the best way to solve our disagreements.”
Communication, money, sex . . . these are common issues for all couples. If you are struggling in your marriage, you may be tempted to believe you’re the only one who feels the way you do. Be assured, you are not alone; all couples have challenges they need to overcome.
The Couple Checkup
The Couple Checkup inventory and Discussion Guide have been designed to help you identify, understand, and deal with ongoing issues, so you can begin the process of healing. The online Couple Checkup will automatically adjust the content to match your relationship stage and family structure, providing you with the most relevant content for your marriage. The inventory will help you identify not only your issues, but also your relationship strengths. You can then use your strengths to begin rebuilding your marriage.
There’s a reason doctors start with assessment. By taking your temperature, blood pressure, or an x-ray, they begin to understand what’s below the surface. Once they understand the issues, they can make treatment recommendations with confidence. The Couple Checkup Report gives you the feedback you need to find direction and start the healing process in your marriage.
No healing process is quick or easy. You have to dedicate yourselves to working on your marriage relationship. Some couples will improve as they take responsibility for their own behavior and build their relationship skills through the Couple Checkup process. Start your Couple Checkup today »
Dr. Debi Smith
NOTE: Others may find they need additional help through marriage counseling. If you live in Southern California, give me a call. I’m a Certified PREPARE-ENRICH Facilitator, and I’m here to help.
Phone/FAX: 800.705.6223
Email: Just click here.
The Ideal Relationship?
The Ideal Relationship. We all want it. But can we describe it? What does it look — and feel — like?
For starters, let’s take a look at the not-so-ideal relationship. Many of us have a habit of ignoring the “red flags” that could save us from a lot of heartache.
If you are a guy, here are a few clues that you may be headed for disappointment:
- Constant Comparisons: She talks about her past relationships all the time, not only to you, but in her conversations with your friends — whom she’s just met.
- Poor Boundaries: She can’t keep her hands off of you and constantly caresses you in public.
- Avoiding Feedback: You avoid asking your friends what they think of her.
- Fools Rush In: She tells you she wants to — or you feel compelled to — get married in less than a year.
- Lack of Support: You don’t have a full-time job, and she doesn’t either.
- Instant Family: She has children (under 18 years of age) from another relationship.
- Baby Boom: She’s approaching (or has reached) 40 years of age and is anxious to have a baby right away.
- Too Good to Be True: You met on eHarmony.com (or another internet dating site), so you must be a perfect match!
There are lots of other “red flags.” What “red flags” have you ignored in previous relationships … or are ignoring now? Drop me a note by clicking the “Leave a Comment” link above! I’ll address some of these red flags in the days ahead.
Blessings,
Dr. Debi Smith
The Couples Psychologist
Really Bad News for Your Relationship
Filed under: Communication, Conflict, Dating, Divorce, Engaged, Gender Differences, Marriage, Relationship Patterns
Have you ever let your anger get the best of you? Debra Barone (of the TV series “Everybody Loves Raymond”) is forever frustrated with her husband, Ray.
And it’s no wonder. He’s forever doing dumb stuff.
Even so, she’s not very supportive. She not only criticizes him (like his mother does), she also puts him down constantly.
In the field of marriage research, that’s our next and last communication problem. Communication Problem #6: CONTEMPT
This one is particularly toxic. Women who show contempt for a man – either verbally or nonverbally – probably won’t get what they want from him.
QUESTION: How often do you talk bad about him to your friends? Roll your eyes when he’s talking? Turn up your nose at one of his ideas? Call him “Idiot” (so he can hear you, or after he’s left the room)? Tell him he needs to grow up?
EXERCISE: Develop an attitude of gratitude for all of his efforts to provide and care for you (and your family if you have one). You don’t have to say it to him: Just remind yourself daily – or moment by moment – that he is of infinite worth as a human being. Find the good in him and dwell on that, rather than ruminate on all his shortcomings.
Want to learn more about Couple Communication? Register for the full course online now @ www.OCChristianCounseling.com
Your Knight in Shining Armor
Filed under: Male Point of View, Marriage, Relationship Patterns
Don’t you just love Medieval Stories? Stories about the Knight in Shining Armor who comes to the aid of the Damsel in Distress. We forget he’s wearing a lot of heavy gear to protect himself.
Sometimes, once he’s broken through the castle walls, rescued his Fair Maiden, and settled down to a life without Fire-Breathing Dragons, he still fails to take off his armor.
Like the men in Days of Old, today’s guys often have good reasons to leave that armor on, not only at the office, but at home as well.
For example, does your Knight give you “the silent treatment”? Believe it or not, that’s a frequently used piece of “armor.” He’s not quiet because he doesn’t care, but because he needs to shut out something painful.
And are you’re wondering what’s so “painful” about “simple conversation” with his mate? Get the details in the FREE 30-day eCourse: Why Won’t He Talk to Me? The Simple Truth About Men and Intimate Communication.
What to do when your spouse won’t go to counseling
Filed under: Ask, Conflict, Counseling, Marriage, Relationship Patterns
advice from Michael & Amy Smalley
This is not an uncommon issue couples have when their marriage gets stressed out. My first bit of advice is to relax and take a deep breath. You are not the only person on the planet who’s spouse will not go to counseling. Do not feel ashamed, embarrassed, or isolated. These emotions will only make things worse. You can feel sad that your spouse refuses to go to counseling, but you do not want your attitude to turn nasty because of his or her refusal.
What you can do is go to counseling. There is a misconception about the need for both the husband and wife to attend counseling together. This is not totally necessary. You can experience incredible change simply by changing yourself. Whatever dysfunctional pattern your marriage has adopted, when you finally start doing things differently, the pattern is permanently changed.
Dr. Debi Smith also suggests:
If you’ve already talked about it at length and you’re ready to begin counseling now but your spouse isn’t, you might want to go ahead and make an appointment, then say something like:
“I know I need some help figuring out what I’m doing wrong in our relationship. I made an appointment with Dr. Smith next Tuesday at 7 o’clock, and I’d really like it if you would come with me.”
Don’t say anything more. Don’t press for an answer or remind him or her that you’re going. Just go.
If you live in Southern California, just click here and let’s get started!
Couple Communication: Lesson #1
Filed under: Communication, Conflict, Dating, Engaged, Female Point of View, Gender Differences, Male Point of View, Marriage, Relationship Patterns
We women thrive on conversation. Is it any wonder we want to have real, meaningful conversations with the men we love? We want to share our secrets, our dreams, and the details of our days with those who are close to us.
When something’s bothering us, we want to talk about it. We don’t necessarily want it fixed, but we NEED to talk about it.
In fact, Dr. John Gottman’s research shows that you need to get a positive response – a response that says “tell me more” – from your mate about 86% of the time.
So, if you want to increase your chances of getting more positive responses, you must know the “Six Basic Communication Problems and How to Avoid Them.”
Communication Problem #1: HARSH COMMENTS
Let’s face it: We really want to be gentle creatures, right? So we let a lot of things slide. Little stuff that bothers us. We ignore it.
We do give our guys hints, but “guys don’t do hints.” They don’t even notice them!
So nothing changes, and our frustration builds up over time. Although our hearts are in the right place, this really isn’t a good idea at all.
QUESTION: Do you let your frustrations build up?
If you do, you’re more likely to start a difficult conversation with a “harsh comment.” Usually a sarcastic one. When you start with a harsh comment, there’s a 94% chance you will NOT get a positive response!
EXERCISE: Make a mental note of every time something bugs you and you bite your tongue. If it’s more than once this week, you’re more than likely setting your own “harsh comment” trap. (We’ll be talking more about how to bring issues up gently, and sooner rather than later.)
Would you like to know Lesson 2’s Communication Problem? Click here to register for the FREE eCourse, Why Won’t He Talk to Me?
NOTE: All information provided in this FREE eCourse is for educational purposes only. It is not a substitute for a professional evaluation. If you are experiencing emotional distress, please contact a mental health professional.
Identity & Attachment
Identity: You Were Designed by God
I praise you because I am
fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
(Psalm 139:14-16)
Redeemed by God
But now, this is what the LORD says—
he who created you, O Jacob,
he who formed you, O Israel:
“Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have summoned you by name; you are mine.
(Isaiah 43:1)
God did not create couples; he created individuals. He did, however, design them for (to be in relationship with) one another.
“You can’t develop true biblical oneness in marriage by having one person’s identity disappear or be engulfed by the other, forming one big blob” (Stanley et al., 2002, p. 16).
Attachment: You Were Designed to Be in a Secure Relationship
The man and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame. (Genesis 2:24-25).
… they were no longer two, but one. (Matthew 19:4a)
You are different from the first couple in that your first attachment was to your parents or caregivers. That’s where you learned what it feels like to be in relationship. Before you even met your partner, you already had a pretty good idea of what that relationship should be.
“… our relationships with those we love most are the very hardest relationships to keep on track” (Stanley et al., 2002, p. 14).
There are only four responses to the question,
“Will you be there when I need you?”
- Yes! We are both lovable. Not perfect, but lovable. I want to be there for you!
- No, I am broken. There is something wrong with me. I am unlovable.
- No, you are broken. There is something wrong with you. You are unlovable.
- No, we are broken. There is something wrong with both of us. Neither of us is lovable.
We are creatures of habit. We constantly take in information and attempt to organize it into a familiar pattern. If it doesn’t seem to fit with our experience, we become anxious to one degree or another. We may test and retest the water many times until we feel at home.
Although we all need and desire safety in our relationships, we also unknowingly seek to confirm our basic beliefs about ourselves and about others.
What is Oneness?
Individuality remains, now enveloped in and protected by the newly formed relationship. In other words, two individuals create the couple as they support one another’s growth. What affects one will affect the other as well.
Learn more about identity and attachment at www.OCChristianCouples.com.
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