Predicting Divorce
Filed under: Communication, Conflict, Divorce, Marriage, Relationship Patterns
We know that the first marriage wasn’t always a Garden-of-Eden experience, right? The first couple had their share of problems (see Genesis 3 and beyond), and contemporary couples do, too.
It usually doesn’t take long for couples to figure out that marriage is challenging, if not down right difficult at times.
In fact, the number one reason people seek the help of a counselor is due to distress in a close relationship.
Although marital difficulty doesn’t necessarily lead to divorce, it’s good to know how to recognize the warning signs.
What relationship factors predict divorce?
According to Dr. Gottman’s marriage research, the following were characteristic of couples who divorced.
- In unhappy couples, partners still made many bids for attention, closeness, or reassurance. However, they only responded to each other’s bids 33% of the time.
- Wives raised issues harshly and tended to make generalized statements, such as “You never …,” “You always …,” or “What’s wrong with you?”
- Unhappy husbands got upset more easily (as indicated by heart rate, breathing, etc.) during arguments and had a harder time calming down.
- As a result, husbands tended to shut down and become as blank as a wall or to withdraw from their wives.
- Sometimes, wives shut down and/or withdrew. It was particularly disastrous if the wife was the one to withdraw.
- In short, when arguments started with a harsh comment, 94% of the time they only got worse!
Trapped in a Cycle
Before they realize what’s happened to them, many couples develop an unhealthy cycle of interactions.
- Criticism – launching an attack on your partner by questioning his or her character, intelligence, and/or abilities
- Stonewalling – withdrawing and/or refusing to respond to your partner
- Defensiveness – reactively attacking for self-protection
- Contempt – this one is particularly toxic (Couples who show contempt, either verbally or nonverbally, for one another rarely fare well.)
Relationship Repair
Even so, Gottman found that 83% of newlyweds who criticized, stonewalled, and/or made defensive attacks were able to stabilize their marriages over time if … they learned how to make adequate repairs of the damage after the fight.
Learn to Help Couples in OC
Filed under: Biblical Principles, Communication, Conflict, Dating, Divorce, Engaged, Events, Marriage, Marriage Ministries, Premarital Counseling
Register by September 20th and S-A-V-E!
Learn to help couples identify their strengths and growth areas in categories such as Communication, Conflict Resolution, Spiritual Beliefs, and Financial Management. The PREPARE/ENRICH Facilitator Certification Workshop is designed to help facilitators learn how to administer PREPARE/ENRICH and provide feedback to premarital and married couples using six core and over 20 supplemental exercises.
October 30, 2010
Saturday, 9:00 am – 4:00 pm
Seminar Director: Dr. Debi Smith
Hosted by: Cornerstone & Placentia United Methodist Churches
2050 Valencia Avenue
Placentia, CA 92870
The Simple Truth About Men
Filed under: Communication, Conflict, Dating, Emotions, Female Point of View, Gender Differences, Male Point of View, Relationship Patterns
Did you ever wonder why so many women have the very same complaints about men? There’s a reason, and it’s probably not what you’re thinking!
Most of us have been terribly misinformed about men. In fact, we’ve been lied to, and we don’t even realize it. I’m on a mission to change that – to help women learn what I’ve learned in my own relationships, through many years of focused study, and in working with distressed couples in my private practice in Southern California.
Over the years, I’ve heard women complain over and over again about one of the biggest challenges they face in their relationships with men: the lack of communication. Most women work very hard to create a loving home and/or environment, but the men they love often don’t respond to them the way they’d like. Whether it’s trying to get a man to listen or getting him to talk, failed attempts to communicate with him may leave you feeling …
- abandoned
- blown off
- dismissed
- frustrated
- isolated
- lonely
- pushed away
- rejected
- shut out
- undesirable
- unloved
- unwanted
Even so, women are no quitters! They keep trying and trying – to give and to get attention – but their partners frequently withdraw more and more with each attempt to break through the wall. Their men offer monosyllabic responses at best, and anger at worst.
For women, communication is everything. In fact, women thrive on conversation. Is it any wonder we want to have real, meaningful conversations with the men we love? We want to share our secrets and our hopes and dreams, as well as the intimate and emotional details of our day with those who are closest to us. When something’s bothering us, we want to talk about it. We don’t necessarily want it fixed, but we NEED to talk about it.
Why don’t men seem to get that? It’s particularly puzzling when you realize that men need many of the very same things women do when it comes to intimate communication. In fact, Dr. John Gottman’s marital research over the past three decades clearly shows us that both men and women need to get a positive response – a response that says “tell me more” – from their mate about 86% of the time.
So what can we do? In reading the book Why Won’t He Talk to Me, you’ll learn how to greatly increase your chances of getting the response you need from him. Each chapter contains questions and exercises that will help you evaluate your own relationship, as well as specific exercises you can do to put the principles into practice right now!
Click to read Why Won’t He Talk to Me online now.
Really Bad News for Your Relationship
Filed under: Communication, Conflict, Dating, Divorce, Engaged, Gender Differences, Marriage, Relationship Patterns
Have you ever let your anger get the best of you? Debra Barone (of the TV series “Everybody Loves Raymond”) is forever frustrated with her husband, Ray.
And it’s no wonder. He’s forever doing dumb stuff.
Even so, she’s not very supportive. She not only criticizes him (like his mother does), she also puts him down constantly.
In the field of marriage research, that’s our next and last communication problem. Communication Problem #6: CONTEMPT
This one is particularly toxic. Women who show contempt for a man – either verbally or nonverbally – probably won’t get what they want from him.
QUESTION: How often do you talk bad about him to your friends? Roll your eyes when he’s talking? Turn up your nose at one of his ideas? Call him “Idiot” (so he can hear you, or after he’s left the room)? Tell him he needs to grow up?
EXERCISE: Develop an attitude of gratitude for all of his efforts to provide and care for you (and your family if you have one). You don’t have to say it to him: Just remind yourself daily – or moment by moment – that he is of infinite worth as a human being. Find the good in him and dwell on that, rather than ruminate on all his shortcomings.
Want to learn more about Couple Communication? Register for the full course online now @ www.OCChristianCounseling.com
Seeing Eye to Eye
Filed under: Conflict, Female Point of View, Male Point of View
Results of a study conducted by Dr. Deborah Tannen, Georgetown University professor and expert in communication, revealed that girls of all ages preferred face-to-face conversations. Conversely, boys preferred to have conversations in a side-by-side configuration, rarely making eye contact.
So how does this play out during conflict?
For men, the face-to-face approach can make him feel like he’s being challenged. Internally, he prepares to defend himself. And, as every football fan knows, the best defense is a good offense.
For women, the side-by-side approach often feels like he doesn’t care. If she feels like she’s being ignored, she’ll “hit” harder with her words, trying to get him to respond to her.
Do You Speak English?
Filed under: Communication, Conflict, Emotions, Female Point of View, Gender Differences, Male Point of View, Relationship Patterns
Are you an “I Love Lucy” fan? If so, you probably remember the episode where Ricky’s friends come all the way from Cuba to see him. Of course, he’s not home when they arrive. Lucy tries to make them feel at home, only to discover they “don’ a speeka” English. So she talks s-l-o-w-e-r and LOUDER. But it’s still English.
If you’re having trouble getting a response from the man you love, you may be like Lucy. Saying the same thing, over and over, louder and louder. This strategy never works for two reasons.
First, guys shut down pretty quickly when they’re overwhelmed. It may look to you like he doesn’t care, but he’s really just trying to stay afloat in a sea of emotions.
Second, once he’s shut down, he doesn’t hear your actual words, only your anger. To him, it’s criticism – an attack on him as a man – that he has no verbal power to defend against. So he just hangs on until the storm is over.
He’s quiet, not because he doesn’t care about you, but because he’s overwhelmed by it all and doesn’t know what else to do.
Q & A: Why Does He Just Sit There?
Filed under: Ask, Communication, Conflict, Female Point of View, Male Point of View, Relationship Patterns, Relationship Patterns
Question: My boyfriend and I have been arguing a lot lately. He just doesn’t get it. Nothing gets resolved, and I am so frustrated with him! Now when I try to bring the issue up, he just ignores me. I can’t get him to talk at all! Why does he just sit there?
Answer: The answer is both simple and confusing in that, despite popular male opinion, men are actually much more complicated than they seem. Most of us (men included) have been terribly misinformed! In reality, men are more emotionally sensitive than women. They will do anything and everything they can to avoid conflict with the women they love. Their fight-or-flight response kicks into high gear at the very onset of a disagreement, and because they don’t want to fight, they take flight (withdraw). Women also don’t realize that men experience the very same emotions that women do, but express them differently. Men don’t just don’t have the words to express how they are feeling, so most of their emotional expression comes out as indifference or anger, two extremes.
It doesn’t have to be like that. Both men and women need a better understanding of the male emotional experience. Learn more in Why Won’t He Talk To Me? The Simple Truth About Men and Intimate Communication.
What to do when your spouse won’t go to counseling
Filed under: Ask, Conflict, Counseling, Marriage, Relationship Patterns
advice from Michael & Amy Smalley
This is not an uncommon issue couples have when their marriage gets stressed out. My first bit of advice is to relax and take a deep breath. You are not the only person on the planet who’s spouse will not go to counseling. Do not feel ashamed, embarrassed, or isolated. These emotions will only make things worse. You can feel sad that your spouse refuses to go to counseling, but you do not want your attitude to turn nasty because of his or her refusal.
What you can do is go to counseling. There is a misconception about the need for both the husband and wife to attend counseling together. This is not totally necessary. You can experience incredible change simply by changing yourself. Whatever dysfunctional pattern your marriage has adopted, when you finally start doing things differently, the pattern is permanently changed.
Dr. Debi Smith also suggests:
If you’ve already talked about it at length and you’re ready to begin counseling now but your spouse isn’t, you might want to go ahead and make an appointment, then say something like:
“I know I need some help figuring out what I’m doing wrong in our relationship. I made an appointment with Dr. Smith next Tuesday at 7 o’clock, and I’d really like it if you would come with me.”
Don’t say anything more. Don’t press for an answer or remind him or her that you’re going. Just go.
If you live in Southern California, just click here and let’s get started!
Couple Communication: Lesson #1
Filed under: Communication, Conflict, Dating, Engaged, Female Point of View, Gender Differences, Male Point of View, Marriage, Relationship Patterns
by We women thrive on conversation. Is it any wonder we want to have real, meaningful conversations with the men we love? We want to share our secrets, our dreams, and the details of our days with those who are close to us.
When something’s bothering us, we want to talk about it. We don’t necessarily want it fixed, but we NEED to talk about it.
In fact, Dr. John Gottman’s research shows that you need to get a positive response – a response that says “tell me more” – from your mate about 86% of the time.
So, if you want to increase your chances of getting more positive responses, you must know the “Six Basic Communication Problems and How to Avoid Them.”
Communication Problem #1: HARSH COMMENTS
Let’s face it: We really want to be gentle creatures, right? So we let a lot of things slide. Little stuff that bothers us. We ignore it.
We do give our guys hints, but “guys don’t do hints.” They don’t even notice them!
So nothing changes, and our frustration builds up over time. Although our hearts are in the right place, this really isn’t a good idea at all.
QUESTION: Do you let your frustrations build up?
If you do, you’re more likely to start a difficult conversation with a “harsh comment.” Usually a sarcastic one. When you start with a harsh comment, there’s a 94% chance you will NOT get a positive response!
EXERCISE: Make a mental note of every time something bugs you and you bite your tongue. If it’s more than once this week, you’re more than likely setting your own “harsh comment” trap. (We’ll be talking more about how to bring issues up gently, and sooner rather than later.)
Would you like to know Lesson 2’s Communication Problem? Click here to register for the FREE eCourse, Why Won’t He Talk to Me?
NOTE: All information provided in this FREE eCourse is for educational purposes only. It is not a substitute for a professional evaluation. If you are experiencing emotional distress, please contact a mental health professional.
Happy Couples
Filed under: Communication, Conflict, Dating, Engaged, Marriage, Relationship Patterns
The following is a summary of marriage research conducted by Dr. John Gottman. Read more about Dr. Gottman’s work in The Relationship Cure.
Happy couples respond positively to one another.
Partners continually make “bids” for each other’s attention, closeness, and reassurance through comments, questions, and/or gestures.
In successful marriages, spouses responded positively to these bids 86% of the time.
Through their words and their actions, they invited more connection. They communicated (with or without words), “You matter to me,” and “I want to connect with you, too.”
In fact, successful couples had at least 20 (yes, twenty) positive interactions for every 1 (one) negative interaction!
Happy couples argue.
What’s important is how you go about it. Among couples with lasting marriages…
About 80% of complaints came from wives. However, they raised issues gently and brought them up sooner rather than later.
In addition, husbands were willing to be influenced by their wives and to change their behavior.
Neither spouse became upset enough with one another to raise their heart rates above 95 beats per minute.
They didn’t escalate their arguments, but used humor, reassurance, and distraction to ease the tension.
In fact, successful couples made at least 5 positive remarks or gestures for every negative during an argument. (Remember, when they weren’t arguing, the ratio was about 20 to 1.)
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