Q & A: Why Don’t I Ask for Help?
Question: Hi. This is Daniel. Why do men, including myself, continue time after time to take any situation into their own hands and try to solve problems through trial and error and, after failing, then we get emotional and frustrated?
Answer: Thanks for your question, Daniel. It’s an important one! I’ll start with an illustration:
Have you ever watched kids playing in the sand at the beach? Little Annie is having fun with her favorite pail and shovel while her mother watches from a few feet away. Another child, about Annie’s age, comes along and watches for a few moments, then grabs Annie’s shovel. Her mother immediately takes action! She retrieves the toy and promptly returns it to her daughter, comforting her little girl with a hug and scolding the other child as she does so.
What did Annie learn? She learned that others will be there to help her, to take care of her. She feels valued, though she won’t be able to express it quite that way. She feels secure.
A few yards away on the same the beach, little Tommy is building a sandcastle while his mother is reading a book nearby. Another child, about Tommy’s age, comes along and watches for a few moments, then tromps on Tommy’s castle, smashing it flat and destroying his work in a matter of seconds. Tommy’s mother turns her attention toward her son, but she doesn’t move. Tommy starts to whimper and immediately looks toward his mom, but she makes sure he doesn’t notice she’s watching. She waits. The other child walks away, and Tommy again looks toward his mom. She has already turned her focus back to her reading. So Tommy goes back to rebuilding his castle.
What did Tommy learn? No one is going to help you. You feelings don’t matter. You have to figure stuff out on your own.
Now repeat those themes over and over for 10 or 20 years. In what ways do women and men respond differently to problems?
Generally speaking, women turn to others to help them process and understand life’s difficulites. They want to be comforted and understood, and they believe they will be able to find the help they need…or at least that they have the right to ask for it.
Men, on the other hand, have be taught (socialized) that they must figure things out on their own. The thought of asking for help feels weak and unmanly.
Even so, men are not omnipotent (all powerful). They cannot solve everything on their own. They’re human, and they have feelings: strong feelings they frequently have to bottle up. They handle the difficulty for a while, but when it doesn’t get resolved, the emotional pressure reaches explosion level. Then others shame them and tell them they have “anger issues.” Who wouldn’t? They’re trapped: Don’t ask for help. Don’t get emotional. Don’t be weak.
It’s a tough row to hoe.
Q & A: Why Does He Just Sit There?
Filed under: Ask, Communication, Conflict, Female Point of View, Male Point of View, Relationship Patterns, Relationship Patterns
Question: My boyfriend and I have been arguing a lot lately. He just doesn’t get it. Nothing gets resolved, and I am so frustrated with him! Now when I try to bring the issue up, he just ignores me. I can’t get him to talk at all! Why does he just sit there?
Answer: The answer is both simple and confusing in that, despite popular male opinion, men are actually much more complicated than they seem. Most of us (men included) have been terribly misinformed! In reality, men are more emotionally sensitive than women. They will do anything and everything they can to avoid conflict with the women they love. Their fight-or-flight response kicks into high gear at the very onset of a disagreement, and because they don’t want to fight, they take flight (withdraw). Women also don’t realize that men experience the very same emotions that women do, but express them differently. Men don’t just don’t have the words to express how they are feeling, so most of their emotional expression comes out as indifference or anger, two extremes.
It doesn’t have to be like that. Both men and women need a better understanding of the male emotional experience. Learn more in Why Won’t He Talk To Me? The Simple Truth About Men and Intimate Communication.
What to do when your spouse won’t go to counseling
Filed under: Ask, Conflict, Counseling, Marriage, Relationship Patterns
advice from Michael & Amy Smalley
This is not an uncommon issue couples have when their marriage gets stressed out. My first bit of advice is to relax and take a deep breath. You are not the only person on the planet who’s spouse will not go to counseling. Do not feel ashamed, embarrassed, or isolated. These emotions will only make things worse. You can feel sad that your spouse refuses to go to counseling, but you do not want your attitude to turn nasty because of his or her refusal.
What you can do is go to counseling. There is a misconception about the need for both the husband and wife to attend counseling together. This is not totally necessary. You can experience incredible change simply by changing yourself. Whatever dysfunctional pattern your marriage has adopted, when you finally start doing things differently, the pattern is permanently changed.
Dr. Debi Smith also suggests:
If you’ve already talked about it at length and you’re ready to begin counseling now but your spouse isn’t, you might want to go ahead and make an appointment, then say something like:
“I know I need some help figuring out what I’m doing wrong in our relationship. I made an appointment with Dr. Smith next Tuesday at 7 o’clock, and I’d really like it if you would come with me.”
Don’t say anything more. Don’t press for an answer or remind him or her that you’re going. Just go.
If you live in Southern California, just click here and let’s get started!
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