The Simple Truth About Men
Filed under: Communication, Conflict, Dating, Emotions, Female Point of View, Gender Differences, Male Point of View, Relationship Patterns
Did you ever wonder why so many women have the very same complaints about men? There’s a reason, and it’s probably not what you’re thinking!
Most of us have been terribly misinformed about men. In fact, we’ve been lied to, and we don’t even realize it. I’m on a mission to change that – to help women learn what I’ve learned in my own relationships, through many years of focused study, and in working with distressed couples in my private practice in Southern California.
Over the years, I’ve heard women complain over and over again about one of the biggest challenges they face in their relationships with men: the lack of communication. Most women work very hard to create a loving home and/or environment, but the men they love often don’t respond to them the way they’d like. Whether it’s trying to get a man to listen or getting him to talk, failed attempts to communicate with him may leave you feeling …
- abandoned
- blown off
- dismissed
- frustrated
- isolated
- lonely
- pushed away
- rejected
- shut out
- undesirable
- unloved
- unwanted
Even so, women are no quitters! They keep trying and trying – to give and to get attention – but their partners frequently withdraw more and more with each attempt to break through the wall. Their men offer monosyllabic responses at best, and anger at worst.
For women, communication is everything. In fact, women thrive on conversation. Is it any wonder we want to have real, meaningful conversations with the men we love? We want to share our secrets and our hopes and dreams, as well as the intimate and emotional details of our day with those who are closest to us. When something’s bothering us, we want to talk about it. We don’t necessarily want it fixed, but we NEED to talk about it.
Why don’t men seem to get that? It’s particularly puzzling when you realize that men need many of the very same things women do when it comes to intimate communication. In fact, Dr. John Gottman’s marital research over the past three decades clearly shows us that both men and women need to get a positive response – a response that says “tell me more” – from their mate about 86% of the time.
So what can we do? In reading the book Why Won’t He Talk to Me, you’ll learn how to greatly increase your chances of getting the response you need from him. Each chapter contains questions and exercises that will help you evaluate your own relationship, as well as specific exercises you can do to put the principles into practice right now!
Click to read Why Won’t He Talk to Me online now.
Are Women More Complicated Than Men?
Filed under: Communication, Female Point of View, Gender Differences, Male Point of View
So many couples who are experiencing relationship problems seem to need an interpreter.
In fact, what I mostly do during a couple’s counseling session is to to translate “what he just said” into words that she can understand, and then translate “what she just said” into words that he can understand.
So on the surface, it seems like poor communication is the problem. But like so many other things in life, there’s more to it than that.
In other words, the lack of connection and understanding run deeper than mere word-choice. There are some fundamental biological and social differences that lead to very different world views — a situation that’s not easily resolved, especially when it prevents us from even trying to understand.
At the root, we find the commonly held belief that “men are simple,” and “women are complicated.” I hear that a lot, so much so that it seems to be universally accepted as an immutable fact of life — one that gets in the way of any hope for a better connection. Internet author Grantley Morris puts it this way:
There seems a common belief that women are more complicated than men. This belief has perhaps contributed to more marriage problems than any other belief. Men generally conclude from it that women are so hard to understand that there’s no point in even trying to understand them. (Women who try to maintain an aura of mystery may be doing so to their own hurt.) And women tend to assume that men are so easy to understand that there is no need to even try to understand them better. So when it comes to better understanding the opposite sex, it’s often the case that men feel defeated before they start and women barely see a need to start.
For a little more insight into the emotional world of men, you might enjoy the FREE eCourse: Why Won’t He Talk to Me?
Really Bad News for Your Relationship
Filed under: Communication, Conflict, Dating, Divorce, Engaged, Gender Differences, Marriage, Relationship Patterns
Have you ever let your anger get the best of you? Debra Barone (of the TV series “Everybody Loves Raymond”) is forever frustrated with her husband, Ray.
And it’s no wonder. He’s forever doing dumb stuff.
Even so, she’s not very supportive. She not only criticizes him (like his mother does), she also puts him down constantly.
In the field of marriage research, that’s our next and last communication problem. Communication Problem #6: CONTEMPT
This one is particularly toxic. Women who show contempt for a man – either verbally or nonverbally – probably won’t get what they want from him.
QUESTION: How often do you talk bad about him to your friends? Roll your eyes when he’s talking? Turn up your nose at one of his ideas? Call him “Idiot” (so he can hear you, or after he’s left the room)? Tell him he needs to grow up?
EXERCISE: Develop an attitude of gratitude for all of his efforts to provide and care for you (and your family if you have one). You don’t have to say it to him: Just remind yourself daily – or moment by moment – that he is of infinite worth as a human being. Find the good in him and dwell on that, rather than ruminate on all his shortcomings.
Want to learn more about Couple Communication? Register for the full course online now @ www.OCChristianCounseling.com
What Do Women Want?
Filed under: Communication, Female Point of View, Gender Differences, Male Point of View
Sometimes women can be very direct about what they want, but should you believe them? Maybe “yes” and maybe “no.”
The key word here is “maybe.” For women, communication is all about relationship. Interacting with one another. Leaving room for one another.
For example, you’re on a road trip. She says, “Do you want to stop and get something to eat?” You’re not hungry, so you say, “No.” Simple question. Simple answer. Right?
Wrong. She’s saying she’s hungry and wants to stop and get something to eat. She’s just leaving room for you to have your input … sort of. She wants you to hear that she’s hungry. She wants to know if you’re hungry, too.
The bottom line is she wants you to stop and get her something to eat. Once you master her logic (i.e., decode her words), you’ll eliminate a lot of hurt feelings … and probably quite a few arguments as well.
Men should get free “decoder rings” instead of wedding rings. What a cool idea!
Do You Speak English?
Filed under: Communication, Conflict, Emotions, Female Point of View, Gender Differences, Male Point of View, Relationship Patterns
Are you an “I Love Lucy” fan? If so, you probably remember the episode where Ricky’s friends come all the way from Cuba to see him. Of course, he’s not home when they arrive. Lucy tries to make them feel at home, only to discover they “don’ a speeka” English. So she talks s-l-o-w-e-r and LOUDER. But it’s still English.
If you’re having trouble getting a response from the man you love, you may be like Lucy. Saying the same thing, over and over, louder and louder. This strategy never works for two reasons.
First, guys shut down pretty quickly when they’re overwhelmed. It may look to you like he doesn’t care, but he’s really just trying to stay afloat in a sea of emotions.
Second, once he’s shut down, he doesn’t hear your actual words, only your anger. To him, it’s criticism – an attack on him as a man – that he has no verbal power to defend against. So he just hangs on until the storm is over.
He’s quiet, not because he doesn’t care about you, but because he’s overwhelmed by it all and doesn’t know what else to do.
FREE Books
