The Simple Truth About Men
Filed under: Communication, Conflict, Dating, Emotions, Female Point of View, Gender Differences, Male Point of View, Relationship Patterns
Did you ever wonder why so many women have the very same complaints about men? There’s a reason, and it’s probably not what you’re thinking!
Most of us have been terribly misinformed about men. In fact, we’ve been lied to, and we don’t even realize it. I’m on a mission to change that – to help women learn what I’ve learned in my own relationships, through many years of focused study, and in working with distressed couples in my private practice in Southern California.
Over the years, I’ve heard women complain over and over again about one of the biggest challenges they face in their relationships with men: the lack of communication. Most women work very hard to create a loving home and/or environment, but the men they love often don’t respond to them the way they’d like. Whether it’s trying to get a man to listen or getting him to talk, failed attempts to communicate with him may leave you feeling …
- abandoned
- blown off
- dismissed
- frustrated
- isolated
- lonely
- pushed away
- rejected
- shut out
- undesirable
- unloved
- unwanted
Even so, women are no quitters! They keep trying and trying – to give and to get attention – but their partners frequently withdraw more and more with each attempt to break through the wall. Their men offer monosyllabic responses at best, and anger at worst.
For women, communication is everything. In fact, women thrive on conversation. Is it any wonder we want to have real, meaningful conversations with the men we love? We want to share our secrets and our hopes and dreams, as well as the intimate and emotional details of our day with those who are closest to us. When something’s bothering us, we want to talk about it. We don’t necessarily want it fixed, but we NEED to talk about it.
Why don’t men seem to get that? It’s particularly puzzling when you realize that men need many of the very same things women do when it comes to intimate communication. In fact, Dr. John Gottman’s marital research over the past three decades clearly shows us that both men and women need to get a positive response – a response that says “tell me more” – from their mate about 86% of the time.
So what can we do? In reading the book Why Won’t He Talk to Me, you’ll learn how to greatly increase your chances of getting the response you need from him. Each chapter contains questions and exercises that will help you evaluate your own relationship, as well as specific exercises you can do to put the principles into practice right now!
Click to read Why Won’t He Talk to Me online now.
The Ideal Relationship?
The Ideal Relationship. We all want it. But can we describe it? What does it look — and feel — like?
For starters, let’s take a look at the not-so-ideal relationship. Many of us have a habit of ignoring the “red flags” that could save us from a lot of heartache.
If you are a guy, here are a few clues that you may be headed for disappointment:
- Constant Comparisons: She talks about her past relationships all the time, not only to you, but in her conversations with your friends — whom she’s just met.
- Poor Boundaries: She can’t keep her hands off of you and constantly caresses you in public.
- Avoiding Feedback: You avoid asking your friends what they think of her.
- Fools Rush In: She tells you she wants to — or you feel compelled to — get married in less than a year.
- Lack of Support: You don’t have a full-time job, and she doesn’t either.
- Instant Family: She has children (under 18 years of age) from another relationship.
- Baby Boom: She’s approaching (or has reached) 40 years of age and is anxious to have a baby right away.
- Too Good to Be True: You met on eHarmony.com (or another internet dating site), so you must be a perfect match!
There are lots of other “red flags.” What “red flags” have you ignored in previous relationships … or are ignoring now? Drop me a note by clicking the “Leave a Comment” link above! I’ll address some of these red flags in the days ahead.
Blessings,
Dr. Debi Smith
The Couples Psychologist
Your Knight in Shining Armor
Filed under: Male Point of View, Marriage, Relationship Patterns
Don’t you just love Medieval Stories? Stories about the Knight in Shining Armor who comes to the aid of the Damsel in Distress. We forget he’s wearing a lot of heavy gear to protect himself.
Sometimes, once he’s broken through the castle walls, rescued his Fair Maiden, and settled down to a life without Fire-Breathing Dragons, he still fails to take off his armor.
Like the men in Days of Old, today’s guys often have good reasons to leave that armor on, not only at the office, but at home as well.
For example, does your Knight give you “the silent treatment”? Believe it or not, that’s a frequently used piece of “armor.” He’s not quiet because he doesn’t care, but because he needs to shut out something painful.
And are you’re wondering what’s so “painful” about “simple conversation” with his mate? Get the details in the FREE 30-day eCourse: Why Won’t He Talk to Me? The Simple Truth About Men and Intimate Communication.
Do You Speak English?
Filed under: Communication, Conflict, Emotions, Female Point of View, Gender Differences, Male Point of View, Relationship Patterns
Are you an “I Love Lucy” fan? If so, you probably remember the episode where Ricky’s friends come all the way from Cuba to see him. Of course, he’s not home when they arrive. Lucy tries to make them feel at home, only to discover they “don’ a speeka” English. So she talks s-l-o-w-e-r and LOUDER. But it’s still English.
If you’re having trouble getting a response from the man you love, you may be like Lucy. Saying the same thing, over and over, louder and louder. This strategy never works for two reasons.
First, guys shut down pretty quickly when they’re overwhelmed. It may look to you like he doesn’t care, but he’s really just trying to stay afloat in a sea of emotions.
Second, once he’s shut down, he doesn’t hear your actual words, only your anger. To him, it’s criticism – an attack on him as a man – that he has no verbal power to defend against. So he just hangs on until the storm is over.
He’s quiet, not because he doesn’t care about you, but because he’s overwhelmed by it all and doesn’t know what else to do.
Q & A: Why Does He Just Sit There?
Filed under: Ask, Communication, Conflict, Female Point of View, Male Point of View, Relationship Patterns, Relationship Patterns
Question: My boyfriend and I have been arguing a lot lately. He just doesn’t get it. Nothing gets resolved, and I am so frustrated with him! Now when I try to bring the issue up, he just ignores me. I can’t get him to talk at all! Why does he just sit there?
Answer: The answer is both simple and confusing in that, despite popular male opinion, men are actually much more complicated than they seem. Most of us (men included) have been terribly misinformed! In reality, men are more emotionally sensitive than women. They will do anything and everything they can to avoid conflict with the women they love. Their fight-or-flight response kicks into high gear at the very onset of a disagreement, and because they don’t want to fight, they take flight (withdraw). Women also don’t realize that men experience the very same emotions that women do, but express them differently. Men don’t just don’t have the words to express how they are feeling, so most of their emotional expression comes out as indifference or anger, two extremes.
It doesn’t have to be like that. Both men and women need a better understanding of the male emotional experience. Learn more in Why Won’t He Talk To Me? The Simple Truth About Men and Intimate Communication.
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