The Simple Truth About Men
Filed under: Communication, Conflict, Dating, Emotions, Female Point of View, Gender Differences, Male Point of View, Relationship Patterns
Did you ever wonder why so many women have the very same complaints about men? There’s a reason, and it’s probably not what you’re thinking!
Most of us have been terribly misinformed about men. In fact, we’ve been lied to, and we don’t even realize it. I’m on a mission to change that – to help women learn what I’ve learned in my own relationships, through many years of focused study, and in working with distressed couples in my private practice in Southern California.
Over the years, I’ve heard women complain over and over again about one of the biggest challenges they face in their relationships with men: the lack of communication. Most women work very hard to create a loving home and/or environment, but the men they love often don’t respond to them the way they’d like. Whether it’s trying to get a man to listen or getting him to talk, failed attempts to communicate with him may leave you feeling …
- abandoned
- blown off
- dismissed
- frustrated
- isolated
- lonely
- pushed away
- rejected
- shut out
- undesirable
- unloved
- unwanted
Even so, women are no quitters! They keep trying and trying – to give and to get attention – but their partners frequently withdraw more and more with each attempt to break through the wall. Their men offer monosyllabic responses at best, and anger at worst.
For women, communication is everything. In fact, women thrive on conversation. Is it any wonder we want to have real, meaningful conversations with the men we love? We want to share our secrets and our hopes and dreams, as well as the intimate and emotional details of our day with those who are closest to us. When something’s bothering us, we want to talk about it. We don’t necessarily want it fixed, but we NEED to talk about it.
Why don’t men seem to get that? It’s particularly puzzling when you realize that men need many of the very same things women do when it comes to intimate communication. In fact, Dr. John Gottman’s marital research over the past three decades clearly shows us that both men and women need to get a positive response – a response that says “tell me more” – from their mate about 86% of the time.
So what can we do? In reading the book Why Won’t He Talk to Me, you’ll learn how to greatly increase your chances of getting the response you need from him. Each chapter contains questions and exercises that will help you evaluate your own relationship, as well as specific exercises you can do to put the principles into practice right now!
Click to read Why Won’t He Talk to Me online now.
Are Women More Complicated Than Men?
Filed under: Communication, Female Point of View, Gender Differences, Male Point of View
So many couples who are experiencing relationship problems seem to need an interpreter.
In fact, what I mostly do during a couple’s counseling session is to to translate “what he just said” into words that she can understand, and then translate “what she just said” into words that he can understand.
So on the surface, it seems like poor communication is the problem. But like so many other things in life, there’s more to it than that.
In other words, the lack of connection and understanding run deeper than mere word-choice. There are some fundamental biological and social differences that lead to very different world views — a situation that’s not easily resolved, especially when it prevents us from even trying to understand.
At the root, we find the commonly held belief that “men are simple,” and “women are complicated.” I hear that a lot, so much so that it seems to be universally accepted as an immutable fact of life — one that gets in the way of any hope for a better connection. Internet author Grantley Morris puts it this way:
There seems a common belief that women are more complicated than men. This belief has perhaps contributed to more marriage problems than any other belief. Men generally conclude from it that women are so hard to understand that there’s no point in even trying to understand them. (Women who try to maintain an aura of mystery may be doing so to their own hurt.) And women tend to assume that men are so easy to understand that there is no need to even try to understand them better. So when it comes to better understanding the opposite sex, it’s often the case that men feel defeated before they start and women barely see a need to start.
For a little more insight into the emotional world of men, you might enjoy the FREE eCourse: Why Won’t He Talk to Me?
A Brief Lesson in Empathy
Filed under: Communication, Emotions, Female Point of View, Male Point of View
Q & A: Why Don’t I Ask for Help?
Question: Hi. This is Daniel. Why do men, including myself, continue time after time to take any situation into their own hands and try to solve problems through trial and error and, after failing, then we get emotional and frustrated?
Answer: Thanks for your question, Daniel. It’s an important one! I’ll start with an illustration:
Have you ever watched kids playing in the sand at the beach? Little Annie is having fun with her favorite pail and shovel while her mother watches from a few feet away. Another child, about Annie’s age, comes along and watches for a few moments, then grabs Annie’s shovel. Her mother immediately takes action! She retrieves the toy and promptly returns it to her daughter, comforting her little girl with a hug and scolding the other child as she does so.
What did Annie learn? She learned that others will be there to help her, to take care of her. She feels valued, though she won’t be able to express it quite that way. She feels secure.
A few yards away on the same the beach, little Tommy is building a sandcastle while his mother is reading a book nearby. Another child, about Tommy’s age, comes along and watches for a few moments, then tromps on Tommy’s castle, smashing it flat and destroying his work in a matter of seconds. Tommy’s mother turns her attention toward her son, but she doesn’t move. Tommy starts to whimper and immediately looks toward his mom, but she makes sure he doesn’t notice she’s watching. She waits. The other child walks away, and Tommy again looks toward his mom. She has already turned her focus back to her reading. So Tommy goes back to rebuilding his castle.
What did Tommy learn? No one is going to help you. You feelings don’t matter. You have to figure stuff out on your own.
Now repeat those themes over and over for 10 or 20 years. In what ways do women and men respond differently to problems?
Generally speaking, women turn to others to help them process and understand life’s difficulites. They want to be comforted and understood, and they believe they will be able to find the help they need…or at least that they have the right to ask for it.
Men, on the other hand, have be taught (socialized) that they must figure things out on their own. The thought of asking for help feels weak and unmanly.
Even so, men are not omnipotent (all powerful). They cannot solve everything on their own. They’re human, and they have feelings: strong feelings they frequently have to bottle up. They handle the difficulty for a while, but when it doesn’t get resolved, the emotional pressure reaches explosion level. Then others shame them and tell them they have “anger issues.” Who wouldn’t? They’re trapped: Don’t ask for help. Don’t get emotional. Don’t be weak.
It’s a tough row to hoe.
Your Knight in Shining Armor
Filed under: Male Point of View, Marriage, Relationship Patterns
Don’t you just love Medieval Stories? Stories about the Knight in Shining Armor who comes to the aid of the Damsel in Distress. We forget he’s wearing a lot of heavy gear to protect himself.
Sometimes, once he’s broken through the castle walls, rescued his Fair Maiden, and settled down to a life without Fire-Breathing Dragons, he still fails to take off his armor.
Like the men in Days of Old, today’s guys often have good reasons to leave that armor on, not only at the office, but at home as well.
For example, does your Knight give you “the silent treatment”? Believe it or not, that’s a frequently used piece of “armor.” He’s not quiet because he doesn’t care, but because he needs to shut out something painful.
And are you’re wondering what’s so “painful” about “simple conversation” with his mate? Get the details in the FREE 30-day eCourse: Why Won’t He Talk to Me? The Simple Truth About Men and Intimate Communication.
Seeing Eye to Eye
Filed under: Conflict, Female Point of View, Male Point of View
Results of a study conducted by Dr. Deborah Tannen, Georgetown University professor and expert in communication, revealed that girls of all ages preferred face-to-face conversations. Conversely, boys preferred to have conversations in a side-by-side configuration, rarely making eye contact.
So how does this play out during conflict?
For men, the face-to-face approach can make him feel like he’s being challenged. Internally, he prepares to defend himself. And, as every football fan knows, the best defense is a good offense.
For women, the side-by-side approach often feels like he doesn’t care. If she feels like she’s being ignored, she’ll “hit” harder with her words, trying to get him to respond to her.
What Do Women Want?
Filed under: Communication, Female Point of View, Gender Differences, Male Point of View
Sometimes women can be very direct about what they want, but should you believe them? Maybe “yes” and maybe “no.”
The key word here is “maybe.” For women, communication is all about relationship. Interacting with one another. Leaving room for one another.
For example, you’re on a road trip. She says, “Do you want to stop and get something to eat?” You’re not hungry, so you say, “No.” Simple question. Simple answer. Right?
Wrong. She’s saying she’s hungry and wants to stop and get something to eat. She’s just leaving room for you to have your input … sort of. She wants you to hear that she’s hungry. She wants to know if you’re hungry, too.
The bottom line is she wants you to stop and get her something to eat. Once you master her logic (i.e., decode her words), you’ll eliminate a lot of hurt feelings … and probably quite a few arguments as well.
Men should get free “decoder rings” instead of wedding rings. What a cool idea!
Do You Speak English?
Filed under: Communication, Conflict, Emotions, Female Point of View, Gender Differences, Male Point of View, Relationship Patterns
Are you an “I Love Lucy” fan? If so, you probably remember the episode where Ricky’s friends come all the way from Cuba to see him. Of course, he’s not home when they arrive. Lucy tries to make them feel at home, only to discover they “don’ a speeka” English. So she talks s-l-o-w-e-r and LOUDER. But it’s still English.
If you’re having trouble getting a response from the man you love, you may be like Lucy. Saying the same thing, over and over, louder and louder. This strategy never works for two reasons.
First, guys shut down pretty quickly when they’re overwhelmed. It may look to you like he doesn’t care, but he’s really just trying to stay afloat in a sea of emotions.
Second, once he’s shut down, he doesn’t hear your actual words, only your anger. To him, it’s criticism – an attack on him as a man – that he has no verbal power to defend against. So he just hangs on until the storm is over.
He’s quiet, not because he doesn’t care about you, but because he’s overwhelmed by it all and doesn’t know what else to do.
Q & A: Why Does He Just Sit There?
Filed under: Ask, Communication, Conflict, Female Point of View, Male Point of View, Relationship Patterns, Relationship Patterns
Question: My boyfriend and I have been arguing a lot lately. He just doesn’t get it. Nothing gets resolved, and I am so frustrated with him! Now when I try to bring the issue up, he just ignores me. I can’t get him to talk at all! Why does he just sit there?
Answer: The answer is both simple and confusing in that, despite popular male opinion, men are actually much more complicated than they seem. Most of us (men included) have been terribly misinformed! In reality, men are more emotionally sensitive than women. They will do anything and everything they can to avoid conflict with the women they love. Their fight-or-flight response kicks into high gear at the very onset of a disagreement, and because they don’t want to fight, they take flight (withdraw). Women also don’t realize that men experience the very same emotions that women do, but express them differently. Men don’t just don’t have the words to express how they are feeling, so most of their emotional expression comes out as indifference or anger, two extremes.
It doesn’t have to be like that. Both men and women need a better understanding of the male emotional experience. Learn more in Why Won’t He Talk To Me? The Simple Truth About Men and Intimate Communication.
Couple Communication: Lesson #1
Filed under: Communication, Conflict, Dating, Engaged, Female Point of View, Gender Differences, Male Point of View, Marriage, Relationship Patterns
by We women thrive on conversation. Is it any wonder we want to have real, meaningful conversations with the men we love? We want to share our secrets, our dreams, and the details of our days with those who are close to us.
When something’s bothering us, we want to talk about it. We don’t necessarily want it fixed, but we NEED to talk about it.
In fact, Dr. John Gottman’s research shows that you need to get a positive response – a response that says “tell me more” – from your mate about 86% of the time.
So, if you want to increase your chances of getting more positive responses, you must know the “Six Basic Communication Problems and How to Avoid Them.”
Communication Problem #1: HARSH COMMENTS
Let’s face it: We really want to be gentle creatures, right? So we let a lot of things slide. Little stuff that bothers us. We ignore it.
We do give our guys hints, but “guys don’t do hints.” They don’t even notice them!
So nothing changes, and our frustration builds up over time. Although our hearts are in the right place, this really isn’t a good idea at all.
QUESTION: Do you let your frustrations build up?
If you do, you’re more likely to start a difficult conversation with a “harsh comment.” Usually a sarcastic one. When you start with a harsh comment, there’s a 94% chance you will NOT get a positive response!
EXERCISE: Make a mental note of every time something bugs you and you bite your tongue. If it’s more than once this week, you’re more than likely setting your own “harsh comment” trap. (We’ll be talking more about how to bring issues up gently, and sooner rather than later.)
Would you like to know Lesson 2’s Communication Problem? Click here to register for the FREE eCourse, Why Won’t He Talk to Me?
NOTE: All information provided in this FREE eCourse is for educational purposes only. It is not a substitute for a professional evaluation. If you are experiencing emotional distress, please contact a mental health professional.
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