Different Worldviews
No, Mark and Cathy are not from different planets. However, their biological differences (nature) and the impact of their respective life experiences (nurture) have resulted in very different ways of looking at the world … and at their relationships.
It’s what you say that counts: Women were taught to talk openly about their feelings when they were little girls, so it’s not surprising that 80% of relationship issues are brought up by women. They often spent school recess sharing secrets with their “best” friend. Feeling close and being able to trust each other is the hallmark of female friendship.
Virtually everything women say – no matter how confusing it might seem to their partners – is an attempt to find emotional connection. (Yes, they may often be extremely vague and indirect.) It’s what they were taught.
It’s what you do that counts: Men learned a different way of developing friendships. As boys, they spent recess running around in “herds,” playing anything that meant lots of action, and trying to one-up each other. Don’t be a girl! Never let ‘em see ya sweat!
It’s no wonder that when it comes to emotions, men sink and women swim. (I’ll share some more info on the nature of men in a future note. It’s information that just might surprise you both.)
In fact, men often see female communication as “loaded.” At best, they may answer a question their partner didn’t ask. At worst, it evokes “relational dread,” which we’ll also talk about later, and they have no idea how to respond.
Mark and Cathy faced many challenges. First, they didn’t understand the differences in how they viewed relationships, so they each thought the other was being unreasonable and bought into gender stereotypes. As a reuslt, they began a cycle of negative interactions that would be repeated thousands of times throughout the course of their marriage. Each time, the feelings behind their behaviors grew in intensity, and their problems escalated.
When you and your partner are arguing, what emotions do you feel? Most feel anger or frustration, of course. But what’s behind your anger? Do you recall?
Mark’s Story
Mark’s experience was quite different than Cathy’s. (For Cathy’s story, please read After the Honeymoon.) Although their honeymoon had been totally amazing, he was glad to be home from Paris. For years, one of his favorite end-of-the-day routines had been to grab a quick snack and head to the bedroom for some late-night TV. When his stomach was full and he’d wound down from the day, he’d flip off the TV and drift effortlessly to sleep.
When Cathy came in that first night at home demanding that he turn off the television, he was confused. Her mood seemed to come out of nowhere, and he had no idea how to respond, so he tried to give her a minute to calm down. She didn’t. In fact, she got even more emotional. When she grabbed her pillow and left the bedroom, he thought she was acting crazy. He wondered how such a small issue had become such a big one for no apparent reason. He had absolutely no idea how to respond to this weirdness, so he froze. He expected that she would calm down and return in a minute or so to talk about it rationally. She didn’t.
As the years went by, Mark continued to use the same strategy. Cathy’s feelings were so easy hurt, and she often got far more upset than was necessary. Each time he withdrew to give her some time to calm down, but it never worked. Instead of calming down, she would actually get more emotional the longer he was quiet. He couldn’t figure it out. How could she be so critical of him?
Mark soon started spending more and more time at the office to avoid the inevitable blow ups. He especially enjoyed the company of his new assistant. She was fresh out of college and so excited to work for him. She had only good things to say, and he basked in the glow of her attention. Working late one evening, he asked her to dinner and things developed from there. He concluded that the problems in his marriage were Cathy’s fault, and that he would be much happier with his new love. He certainly felt more appreciated and much safer with her than he did with his wife.
After reading Mark’s side of the story, what do you think this couple could have done differently? We’ll take a look at their options in a future note.
After the Honeymoon
After 14 years of marriage, Mark and Cathy have separated. Mark is having an affair. Cathy is miserable and doesn’t know what to do. She’s tried so hard to make her marriage work and, through her tears, she wonders where things went so terribly wrong.She doesn’t remember it now. It happened so long ago, just after she and Mark returned from their amazing honeymoon in Paris. They’d had a wonderful first day in their new home. Late that evening, Cathy brushed her teeth and walked into their bedroom where Mark was sitting in bed, flipping through channels on the TV and crunching pretzels. Cathy was still exhausted from the trip. She yawned and crawled between the covers, hoping Mark would get the hint and turn off the TV. He didn’t.
“Mark,” she said firmly. “I’m tired. It’s late and it’s time to turn off the television and go to sleep.”
She got no response, so she tried again. “Mark, I can’t go to sleep with the TV on and you crunching pretzels! We both need to get some rest so we can get up for work tomorrow, so stop with the pretzels already and please turn off that stupid television. ”
Still no response.
Cathy was getting more and more frustrated, so she sat up in bed. “Mark! Are you listening to me?”
Still nothing. No matter what she said, he just kept on crunching and flipping. In exasperation, she got up, put on her robe, grabbed her pillow, and went into the living room. She thought that would surely make him aware of how much his behavior was bothering her. She waited for him to come in and apologize. He never did.
It seems like a simple thing, but it was the first sign of a negative pattern of interactions that, unaddressed, would increase in intensity over the years. Cathy would make a comment or ask for something, and Mark would feel criticized and freeze. Eventually, Cathy gave up trying.
In the beginning, Cathy was what psychologists call “the pursuer” and Mark was “the withdrawer.” By the time they separated, both had withdrawn from each other.
Could they have done anything differently? Can they now? What do you think?
The Box
My dentist has a poster on the ceiling at his office. He put it there so his patients would have something to look at while they’re in the chair. I think about it sometimes because it reminds me of myself. It’s a picture of a tiny kitten looking up helplessly from the bottom of large cardboard box. The caption reads,
“I’m much better at getting myself into things than I am at getting myself out of them.”
Maybe you can identify? Isaiah put it this way,
We all, like sheep, have gone astray, each of us has turned to his own way… (53:6a)
Kittens, sheep, people. Sometimes there’s not much difference. No one plans to get himself or herself into a pickle (sorry…I like to mix metaphors), yet we all do at one time or another.
Many couples start backing themselves into The Box early in their relationship. Something happens and one of them has hurt feelings. Maybe it’s the woman. (Sometimes it’s the man.) If she says something to her partner about it, he might minimize her feelings or get defensive about his actions or intentions. He means well, but it doesn’t help her feel better. (I’ll tell you the story of Mark and Cathy in a future note.)
At first, it seems like a simple thing. Each tries to forget what happened, to move beyond it because it feels so childish to them both. However, the outcome of those early hurts starts a cycle of negative interactions that will continue to grow and solidify over time. Before long, they’re trapped in The Box.
In The Box, he believes that she is overly sensitive and avoids sharing his own thoughts and feelings with her. She believes that her feelings don’t matter to him, and she withdraws, too. It’s lonely being in The Box together.
Getting out of The Box is simple, but it isn’t easy. The Good Shepherd is there to help. Just ask. He may suggest you find a local “shepherd” to walk with you through the process and show you the way step-by-step. If He does, give us a call. We’re here to help you get out of The Box. It’s a process, and I’ll write more about that in future notes, too. In the meantime, I’ll be praying for you both!
FREE Books
