Love Is Patient
Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have.
Love doesn’t strut,
Doesn’t have a swelled head,
Doesn’t force itself on others,
Isn’t always “me first,”
Doesn’t fly off the handle,
Doesn’t keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn’t revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end. ~ 1 Corinthians 13:4-8a (The Message)
Let’s face it: Sometimes it’s hard to be patient. You’re tired, worried, not feeling well, and everything your partner does seems to irritate you. So you snap at him or her.
So much for 1 Corinthians 13, right?
Despite how you might at first interpret this passage, it is not telling you to ignore your own needs. As Drs. Cloud and Townsend put it,
“We are not self-sufficient. We need to get things from others, and comfort is one thing that we are not made to give to ourselves.”
(Safe People, p. 149)
Talk about what’s happening with you and let others know what you need. Just ask. Be direct, but not demanding. Your partner shouldn’t have to infer from your behavior that you are struggling with something.
And, of course, your partner always has the option of saying “no” to your request. In a “safe” relationship, your “no” will be respected, not punished.
Getting the Love You Want
In the last Note, we talked about your “bids” for your partner’s attention. Did you do a little research of your own? How effective are your bids at getting the response you want?
If you are part of a happy couple, you should be getting a positive response about 86% of the time. That’s a pretty good batting average, eh? If you want to improve your current average, here are a six things you’ll want to avoid.
- Harsh comments: When your bids for your partner’s attention start with a harsh comment, there’s a 94% chance you won’t get a positive response!
- Criticism: You know when you’re criticizing. At other times, you may be engaged in playful sarcasm. Even though you may be joking, it’s usually not a good idea to launch an attack on your partner by questioning his or her character, intelligence, and/or abilities — especially in front of friends and family.
- Generalized statements: Such as “You never …,” “You always …,” or “What’s wrong with you?”
- Stonewalling: Withdrawing and/or refusing to respond to your partner when you’re hurt definitely won’t get you anywhere.
- Defensiveness: Assuming your partner is going to be critical from the start can set you up for reactively attacking in self-protection. Realize that not everything he or she says is meant at an attack. Your partner may be trying to tell you something important, but just be really bad at letting you know what he or she needs or wants. Be patient. (More on that later.)
- Contempt: This one is particularly toxic. Couples who show contempt for one another — either verbally or nonverbally — rarely get the love they want.
Do I Matter to You?
In his research, Dr. John Gottman observed that partners continually made “bids” for each other’s attention, closeness, and reassurance. These bids were made through comments, questions, glances, and/or gestures. The couples seemed to be asking, on a regular basis: Are you there? Do I matter to you? Sometimes they got the responses they wanted. If they didn’t, they tried again.
You’ve seen this happen. It’s most obvious in children. Imagine a few moms relaxing at the park while their toddlers are playing in the sandbox. Mom is engrossed in conversation with her friends, and her 3-year-old tries to get her attention. If he’s unsuccessful, he doesn’t give up. If at first you don’t succeed try, try again! He’ll keep calling her; and if she doesn’t respond, he’ll get closer to her…and louder! He may even resort to attacking her to get her to pay attention to his needs.
Couples do this, too. If a sweet hello or a smile gets no response, partners will intensify their bids. Like the toddler, they may get louder, even attacking or criticizing. However, strategies like criticism will naturally elicit a negative response (defensiveness) and launch a negative pattern of interactions that could escalate into a full-blown argument. Not exactly what you were hoping for, right?
In addition, sarcasm is a common method of asking for attention without seeming to really need anything. Your needs for attention (and your vulnerability) are hidden behind a screen of purported humor. Sarcasm is also a very effective way of shooting yourself in the foot. It sends a mixed message. In reality, you’re asking for attention. But the message your partner gets is that he or she is dumb, clumsy, or lacks value — not a great way to get the positive attention you’re really looking for.
So what can you do with this information? Get involved in your own research by observing your own behavior. How many times and in what ways did you ask for your partner’s attention today? Did you get the response you wanted? How can you increase the effectiveness of your bids? I’ll talk more about that in the next Note.
Putting Your Best Foot Forward
Filed under: Counseling, Female Point of View, Gender Differences, Male Point of View, Relationship Patterns
It makes sense. We’ve all been told to be on our best behavior in public. You know that old axiom: You only have once chance to make a good first impression. In fact, it was your ability to do just that that made it possible for you to attract your partner! After all, who would give any of us a second thought if we showed our dark side — our vulnerabilities, our whole selves — during those first few encounters?
Dating is fun! It’s the time when we go into “sales mode” and reap the benefits of having others actually see us as we would like to be seen. Too bad it can’t stay that way, right?
Wrong. (But you knew I was going to say that.) Research shows that it’s not how well we hold it together, but how we handle life’s difficulties — especially conflict — that’s a the better predictor of relationship success.
Women may be more guilty when it comes to keeping up appearances. After all, she probably spent a lot of time dreaming about her perfect man — the perfect relationship. And a lot of time working on her appearance whenever she knew he was going to be around. Why would she want to risk messing up all that work? So she tiptoes around the issues, and gets frustrated when her partner fails to maintain the facade after the honeymoon.
He’s not totally at fault, though. He just had a different idea: Win her over. He also ignored the issues and charmed her. She told him how great he is and made him feel like a Prince. At last! One person who will love him always and forever — just as he is! That ring she’s so proud of is his message that she’s locked in for life — for better or worse — so he can relax at last! The problem is that he didn’t let her know who he is until after the wedding!
So who’s at fault in this bait-and-switch scenario? Both of them are. (But you knew I was going to say that, too.) The truth is, they’ve both been tiptoeing through the tulips with good motivation: They didn’t want to risk losing each other!
Nobody I know would ever think of letting the cat out of the bag before the wedding. But good premarital counseling will actually help you risk letting your partner know who you really are — with grace, understanding, and style. You won’t have solved everything, and you still may not have decided who’s going to do the dishes and who’s going to take out the trash. But you should come away from premarital counseling feeling better than ever about your relationship.
So before you sign up for premarital counseling, be sure to ask about the counselor’s approach. You want someone who can help you establish a firm foundation for your relationship. Remember, the counselor won’t be there to help you say the “right” things in the middle of an argument. However, he or she should be able to help you explore your relationship dynamics and create a safe place where you can give and receive the grace and understanding you’ll need to create the lasting, satisfying relationship you both want.
What Is Emotionally Focused Therapy?
Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) is proving to be one of the most effective approaches to couples counseling. The following information was retrieved from the International Centre for Excellence in Emotionally Focused Therapy:
EFT is a short term (8-20 sessions), structured approach to couples therapy formulated in the early 80′s by Drs. Sue Johnson and Les Greenberg. EFT is also used with families. A substantial body of research outlining the effectiveness of EFT now exists. Research studies find that 70-75% of couples move from distress to recovery and approximately 90% show significant improvements. The major contraindication for EFT is on-going violence in the relationship. EFT is being used with many different kinds of couples in private practice, university training centres and hospital clinics and many different cultural groups. These distressed couples include partners suffering from disorders such as depression, post traumatic stress disorders and chronic illness. Please click to view recent articles and books on EFT.
Strengths of Emotionally Focused Therapy
- EFT is based on clear, explicit conceptualizations of marital distress and adult love. These conceptualizations are supported by empirical research on the nature of marital distress and adult attachment.
- EFT is collaborative and respectful of clients combining experimental Rogerian techniques with structural systemic interventions.
- Change strategies and interventions are specified.
- Key moves and moments in the change process have been mapped into nine steps and three change events.
- EFT has been validated by 20 years of empirical research. There is also research on the change processes and predictors of success.
- EFT has been applied to many different kinds of problems and populations.
Goals of Emotionally Focused Therapy
- To expand and re-organize key emotional responses–the music of the attachment dance.
- To create a shift in partners’ interactional positions and initiate new cycles of interaction.
- To foster the creation of a secure bond between partners.
For more information about EFT, please visit the International Centre for Excellence in Emotionally Focused Therapy.
Hume Lake: Couples Weekends
Check out the possibilities for fun and growth for couples of all ages at Hume Lake Christian Camps!
Couples Weekends remind us that there is nothing better than TIME AMONG FRIENDS. Surround yourself with great food, fun activities, inspirational worship, and strong BIBLICAL TEACHING. Whether you COME WITH A GROUP or just for some time with your spouse, let our staff serve you as you enjoy God’s creation and experience His love and FELLOWSHIP WITH OTHER COUPLES.
Dates: May 23-25, June 19-22, June 26-29, July 3-6, July 24-27, July 31-August 3, August 7-10, September 19-21, September 26-28
Cost: $285-$659 (Please visit the links above for schedule and pricing details.)
Married to Your Best Friend
Are you married to your Best Friend? Is your home the Safest Place on Earth? Millions of couples have already figured out the secrets of a great relationship and are now enjoying their very own Happily Ever After.
If others have figured it out, then you can, too!
Here are a few tips from marriage researcher Dr. John Gottman, who has been studying couple relationships for more than 20 years in his Seattle clinic:
Partners continually make “bids” for each other’s attention, closeness, and reassurance through a comment, question, glance, or gesture.
In happy couples, partners responded positively to these bids 86% of the time.
Through their words and their actions, they invited more connection. They communicated (with or without words), “You matter to me,” and “I want to connect with you, too.”
In fact, successful couples made at least 20 (yes, twenty) positive remarks for every 1 (one) negative remark!
Dr. Gottman also discovered that happy couples argue. What’s important is how you go about it. Among couples with lasting marriages:
- About 80% of complaints came from wives. However, they raised issues gently and brought them up sooner rather than later.
- In addition, husbands were willing to be influenced by their wives and to change their behavior.
- Neither spouse became upset enough with one another to raise their heart rates above 95 beats per minute.
- They didn’t escalate their arguments, but used humor, reassurance, and distraction to ease the tension.
- In fact, successful couples made at least 5 positive remarks or gestures for every negative during an argument. (Remember, when they weren’t arguing, the ratio was about 20 to 1.)
You can read more about Dr. Gottman’s research in Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. And if you need guidance in building the kind of relationship you long for, give us a call. We’re here to help. 800.705.6223
Welcome to Our New Home!
CoupleNotes has just arrived at our new location.
You’ll be able to subscribe to CoupleNotes using your favorite Reader or sign up to receive your updates via email. Either way, we hope you’ll visit us often, and stay as long as you like!
Note: We’re still unpacking, so please pardon the boxes…and the bare walls.
Blessings,
Dr. Debi Smith
p.s. We’ve transferred our most recent posts from our previous location. If you’d like to read the older posts, please feel free to visit our Old Blog.
Loving One Another
“Learning to love others authentically, and in ways that matter to them, is one of the best things anyone can do.” ~ Dr. John Townsend, Loving People
If you think about it, a lot has been written about how to love one another. So we have to wonder why do we do it so poorly. One reason is that we may feel caught between (a) our own hurt or anger and (b) our concern for the other person.
For example, have you ever had someone not show up on time? As you waited, your thoughts probably changed from wondering where he was to wondering what was keeping him to being angry to worrying that something had bad happened to him.
By the time he finally appears, you don’t know which of your feelings to respond to. Should you be happy? Angry? Relieved? You didn’t know whether to throw your arms around him or yell at him!
Which response would you choose? Actually, all those feelings are normal reactions to being left waiting. Initially, it’s not a big deal. Then we worry a bit. Then we get angry for being disrespected. Then we worry a lot. It’s no wonder the perfectly loving response is hard to give.
Sometimes, anger is appropriate. We do need to set limits on disrespectful behavior, even with those we love.
However, the best first response is always grace. Be glad to see him, and express your concern about his safety. In other words, give him the benefit of the doubt and let him tell the rest of the story. Chances are he’s been worried about your reaction and is ready to go into a defensive stance in response to your attacks and criticism.
You will disarm his defensiveness by loving him. Of course, you can also tell him the truth about your mixed feelings. Remember when Sam finally reached Jonah at the top of the Empire State Building in Sleepless in Seattle? “I was so worried. I don’t know whether to throw my arms around you or yell at you!”
The result? He’ll feel loved and cared for. And if he really could have on time, he’ll be less likely to be late next time.
“A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.” ~ John 13:34-35
The Number One Problem
Mark and Cathy are really no different than many other couples. Their problems started early in their relationship: right after their honeymoon.Cathy brought up an issue of concern for her, and Mark felt criticized. He was quiet, not because he didn’t care, but because he felt the sting of her words and didn’t know what to say.
Cathy felt the sting, too. When Mark ignored her, she felt like he just didn’t care. She finally gave up and withdrew, hoping that Mark would see how badly she felt.
Cathy was the “pursuer,” and Mark was the “withdrawer.” When Cathy gave up on talking to Mark, she also withdrew. When both partners withdraw, neither one is available to the other, making it impossible work on the relationship.
All of us need a time-out on occasion. We may feel overwhelmed with feelings and need to regroup. However, withdrawal can also be a defensive maneuver, and the number one problem in relationships is defensiveness. It keeps couples in a mode of self-protection that prevents intimacy. Partners take on the “withdrawer” role when the relationship doesn’t feel safe.
In fact, Dr. John Gottman’s marriage research identified the following characteristics of couples who divorced:
- Wives raised issues harshly and tended to make generalized statements, such as “You never …,” “You always …,” or “What’s wrong with you?”
- Unhappy husbands got upset more easily (as indicated by heart rate, breathing, etc.) during arguments and had a harder time calming down.
- As a result, husbands tended to shut down and become as blank as a wall or to withdraw from their wives.
- Sometimes, wives shut down and/or withdrew. It was particularly disastrous if the wife was the one to withdraw.
- In short, when arguments started with a harsh comment, 94% of the time they only got worse!
We’ll share more on how to create safety in marriage in a future post.
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