Forgiveness
For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins. (Matthew 6:14-15)
The Unmerciful Servant
Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?”
Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.
“Therefore, the kingdom of heaven is like a king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. As he began the settlement, a man who owed him ten thousand talents was brought to him. Since he was not able to pay, the master ordered that he and his wife and his children and all that he had be sold to repay the debt.
“The servant fell on his knees before him. ‘Be patient with me,’ he begged, ‘and I will pay back everything.’ The servant’s master took pity on him, canceled the debt and let him go.
“But when that servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denarii. He grabbed him and began to choke him. ‘Pay back what you owe me!’ he demanded.
“His fellow servant fell to his knees and begged him, ‘Be patient with me, and I will pay you back.’
“But he refused. Instead, he went off and had the man thrown into prison until he could pay the debt. When the other servants saw what had happened, they were greatly distressed and went and told their master everything that had happened.
“Then the master called the servant in. ‘You wicked servant,’ he said, ‘I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. Shouldn’t you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?’ In anger his master turned him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed.
“This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother from your heart.” (Matthew 18:21-35)
What is forgiveness?
- Forgiveness is required of all Christians.
- Forgiveness is often misunderstood by many Christians.
- Forgiveness is not saying or pretending that it didn’t matter.
During the past decade or so, Christian psychologists have studied forgiveness from both theological and psychological perspectives. Most would agree that forgiveness is not only a theological decision, but also a psychological process with a number of distinct stages that have been compared to stages of the grieving process.
What does it mean to forgive “from your heart”?
Forgiveness is really hard work because it involves acknowledging the wrong and experiencing the natural mix of emotions that result, such as:
- Hurt
- Anger
- Sadness
An eye for an eye? Forgiveness is giving up the right to punish the other person.
Relationship Trauma
One of the reasons it’s so difficult to forgive one another is because the trauma continues.
Listen to one another, understand, and change your behavior.
Reconciliation
In many cases, forgiveness does not require reconciliation. However, if you are going to stay married, it must. Reconciliation requires repentance and the rebuilding of trust and safety in the relationship.�
Did I Marry the Wrong Person?
The following was written by Belinda Elliott for growthtrac:
As the latest divorce statistics demonstrate, it seems that people are giving up on their marriages in record numbers. And unfortunately, the number of Christians divorcing is no lower than that of non-believers. Why is that? Why are so many marriages failing?
According to author and speaker Mark Gungor, the problem stems from couples’ expectations about what marriage should be like. Gungor is a pastor and a highly sought-after speaker. His “Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage” seminars are attended by thousands each year. After thirty years of ministering to couples, Gungor says the most common problem he sees in marriages is that couples don’t understand how relationships really work.
“People think that if a marriage is meant to be, it will just be,” Gungor says.
He compares it to Proverbs 14:4 which says, “Where no oxen are, the manger is clean, but much increase comes by the strength of the ox.”
“Like the ox, marriage is a great, productive thing,” he says. “But if you are going to have an ox, then you’re going to have ox poo. There is no such thing as a poo-free marriage. The problem is, many don’t expect to find any poo at all in their marriage, and when they encounter stuff that stinks, they see it as a sign that they married the wrong person.”
Contrary to what many believe, the success of a marriage has little to do with marrying the right person, he says. Read more
Are you drawn to the same type of people over and over, but your needs are not being met?
The following is from OC Christian Women:
Do you have constant conflict in your relationships? Is your self-confidence low? Are you stuck in an unfulfilling or painful relationship, but can’t seem to do anything to change it, no matter how hard you’ve tried?
By God’s design, we’re relational creatures. We rely on our parents, friends, and partners to provide a safe haven from the stresses of life and a secure base from which we can branch out and grow.
However, this essential aspect of life doesn’t work well for many women. In fact, the number one reason women seek the help of a counselor is due to problems in a close relationship.
Emotional connection is essential to our well-being. So if you’re ready to learn how to develop and maintain more healthy relationships, give a professional Christian counselor a call. We’re here to help.
To find a Christian Mental Health Profession near you, please search the Christian Psychology Resources Directory.
Divorce Predictor
The following is from Smart Marriages:
The number one predictor of divorce is the habitual avoidance of conflict.
What’s sad is the reason that we avoid conflict is because we believe it (confilct) causes divorce. It’s like the cartoon where the couple explains to the marriage counselor, “We never talk anymore. We figured out that’s when we do all our fighting.”
In the beginning, we avoid conflict because we are in love and we believe that “staying in love” is about agreeing, about NOT fighting. We’re afraid that if we disagree – or fight – we’ll run our marriage off into the ditch. Later, we avoid conflict because when we try to deal with our differences things get so out of hand and our fights so destructive and upsetting that we simply shut down. After a few bad blow-ups we become determined to avoid conflict at any cost.
Successful couples are those who know how to discuss their differences in ways that actually strengthen their relationship and improves intimacy. Successful couples know how to contain their disagreements – how to keep them from spilling over and contaminating the rest of their relationship. While it’s true that we don’t get married to handle conflict, if a couple doesn’t know how – or learn how – to fight or disagree successfully, they won’t be able to
do all the other things they got married to do. Put another way, it’s hard to take her out to the ball game if you’re not speaking. Couples are often so determined to avoid disagreements that they shut down – quit speaking.
Couples need to know the research and understand that every happy, successful couple has approximately ten areas of “incompatibility” or disagreement that they will never resolve. Instead, they learn how to manage the disagreements and live life “around” them – to love in spite of their areas of difference. Read more
Premarital Counseling
Filed under: Counseling, Dating, Engaged, Relationship Patterns
Congratulations! If you’re reading this post, you’re probably thinking about a marriage proposal or you’re already planning your wedding. Either way, we have some important information to share with you!
Did you know that . . .
- problematic patterns of interaction develop early in a couple’s relationship, often during the dating phase?
- many couples believe things will improve once they’re married?
- to the contrary, these patterns persist over time and often escalate as the relationship continues?
- the number one reason people seek the help of a counselor is due to distress in a close relationship?
At OC Christian Couples, we believe that old adage that “an ounce of prevention equals a pound of cure.” In other words, it’s best to seek counsel early and learn how to develop and maintain a loving, safe, and happy relationship — not only after the wedding, but also from this day forward!
Our premarital programs and couples counseling are based on sound biblical principles and scientific research to help you develop the kind of relationship that God intends for you to have. We understand your commitment to your faith and to each other, and we’d like to help you prevent problems from arising in the first place.
Choosing the right premarital counselor is important to you both!
We offer a free consultation so that you and your partner can decide together if the therapist is the right person to help you get your relationship off to the best start.
Free Quizzes for Couples
Dealing With Conflict
Before they realize what’s happened to them, many couples develop an unhealthy cycle of interactions including criticism, stonewalling, defensiveness, and/or contempt. Even so, Dr. John Gottman’s research found that 83% of newlyweds who criticized, stonewalled, and/or made defensive attacks were able to stabilize their marriages over time if they learned how to make adequate repairs of the damage after the fight.
Take the Dealing With Conflict Quiz to find out how you’re doing on this important dimension.
How well are you doing as a couple?This quiz, based on findings of marital research, can help you get an idea of how well you are doing in some vital areas of your relationship. After you submit your answers, your quiz results will be instantly emailed to you.
Click here to access the “Couples Quiz.”
Love & Respect Quiz
This quiz is adapted from J. Gottman, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.
Click here to access the “Love and Respect Quiz.”
Take this 10-item quiz to start you thinking and talking about your relationship with your partner. It is only a sample of the type of items included in the PREPARE/ENRICH Inventories. Unlike the actual 165-item PREPARE/ENRICH Inventories, this 10-item Quiz is not designed to be scientifically accurate or a predictor of a successful relationship.
In this online quiz, you’ll be asked to answer questions about your parents, your partner, and your best friend. When you’re finished, the program will analyze your responses and provide you with an interesting summary of how these different relationships are organized in your mind.
(It takes about 5 to 10 minutes to complete.)
Contact Info:
Debi Smith, PsyD
Licensed Psychologist PSY21711
12792 Valley View Street #209
Phone: (714) 865-2164
Email: Dr. Smith
Website: OC Christian Couples
The Destructive Cycle of Negative Thinking
The following is from the Smalley Relationship Center:
“Negative Thinking” (also called false or irrational beliefs, unrealistic expectations, self-defeating attitudes, unjustified negative explanations, or illogical conclusions) is powerful because how a partner perceives and interprets what the other does can be far more important in determining marital satisfaction than those actions themselves.
Negative thinking occurs when a spouse consistently believes that the motives of the other are more negative than is really the case. In other words, a husband or wife interprets the behavior of his or her spouse to be much more negative than the spouse intended. Basically, it’s the belief that your partner is trying to ruin or weaken the marriage on purpose. For example:
“You’re always including your family. They’ve been between us our whole married life!”
“You don’t see it do you? You’re too negative and it’s driving me away!”
“You say you’re sorry, but you keep doing the same mean things over and over. You’ll never change!”
Why Negative Thinking is so Destructive in a Relationship
Positive Bias. During courtship and early married life, almost everything the fiancé says or does is interpreted in a positive light. He or she can do no wrong. Even unpleasant behavior can be turned around and made positive. This produces a “perfect” image of the loved one that emphasizes the appealing features and conceals the undesirable one. In a sense, this perspective becomes “closed,” so that almost no unpleasant elements can enter the picture.
Negative Bias. But if the marriage runs into trouble, the repeated disappointments, arguments, and frustrations lead to a change in perspective. For example, a wife may shift from a positive to a negative bias. Her attitude changes from one of admiration to faultfinding. Then, much of what he does is interpreted in a negative light. He can do no right. The bottom line is that when the relationship runs into persistent problems, we have a tendency to switch “lenses” and see our partner differently — negatively.
The Problem with Having a Negative Bias
1. Confirmation Bias. The major problem with negative thinking is that human beings tend to see and hear what they believe about another even if it isn’t true. In other words, what you believe about another person (positive or negative), you will find evidence of that belief in everything he or she says or does.
2. Self-fulfilling Prophecy. The case whereby individuals (a) have an expectation about what their partner is like, which (b) influences how they act toward their partner, which (c) causes that partner to behave in a way consistent with the individual’s original expectations. People tend to live up or down to our beliefs about them.
3. Learned Hopelessness. When negative thinking consistently invades the relationship, it produces an environment of hopelessness and demoralization. The negatively framed partner is robbed of motivation and action.
How To Fight Negative Thinking
We are not advocating some kind of unrealistic “Pollyanna” mentality. We cannot sit around wishing or hoping that our partner will change truly negative behaviors. However, we need to consider that our partner’s motives are more positive than we are willing to acknowledge. Read more
Contact Info:
Smalley Relationship Center
1482 Lakeshore Drive
Branson, MO 65616
Phone: (800) 848-6329
Rescue Your Marriage in 5 Hours
Rescue Your Marriage in 5 Hours:
An Imago Guide for Christian Couples in Crisis
An eBook by Dr. Janet Greenwood…
“Learning and applying specific relationship skills in a concentrated and focused structure will begin to heal the rupture in your relationship and bring your marriage back to life. Imagine being able to heal and change your current marriage and have it become the marriage of your dreams. Just think how you would feel about yourself and your spouse if you could protect your children from unnecessarily having to cope with the trauma of divorce!”
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