Identity & Attachment
Identity: You Were Designed by God
I praise you because I am
fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
(Psalm 139:14-16)
Redeemed by God
But now, this is what the LORD says—
he who created you, O Jacob,
he who formed you, O Israel:
“Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have summoned you by name; you are mine.
(Isaiah 43:1)
God did not create couples; he created individuals. He did, however, design them for (to be in relationship with) one another.
“You can’t develop true biblical oneness in marriage by having one person’s identity disappear or be engulfed by the other, forming one big blob” (Stanley et al., 2002, p. 16).
Attachment: You Were Designed to Be in a Secure Relationship
The man and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame. (Genesis 2:24-25).
… they were no longer two, but one. (Matthew 19:4a)
You are different from the first couple in that your first attachment was to your parents or caregivers. That’s where you learned what it feels like to be in relationship. Before you even met your partner, you already had a pretty good idea of what that relationship should be.
“… our relationships with those we love most are the very hardest relationships to keep on track” (Stanley et al., 2002, p. 14).
There are only four responses to the question,
“Will you be there when I need you?”
- Yes! We are both lovable. Not perfect, but lovable. I want to be there for you!
- No, I am broken. There is something wrong with me. I am unlovable.
- No, you are broken. There is something wrong with you. You are unlovable.
- No, we are broken. There is something wrong with both of us. Neither of us is lovable.
We are creatures of habit. We constantly take in information and attempt to organize it into a familiar pattern. If it doesn’t seem to fit with our experience, we become anxious to one degree or another. We may test and retest the water many times until we feel at home.
Although we all need and desire safety in our relationships, we also unknowingly seek to confirm our basic beliefs about ourselves and about others.
What is Oneness?
Individuality remains, now enveloped in and protected by the newly formed relationship. In other words, two individuals create the couple as they support one another’s growth. What affects one will affect the other as well.
Learn more about identity and attachment at www.OCChristianCouples.com.
Securely Attached
Filed under: Dating, Engaged, Marriage, Relationship Patterns
How well couples fare depends greatly on the security of their attachment. According to Dr. Susan Johnson, the bottom line for both men and women is the answer to the question,
“Will you be there when I need you?“
Throughout life, both men and women need someone who is accessible (will you be there) and responsive (when I need you).
In fact, emotional attachment is essential for your spiritual, physical, and mental well-being!
How Secure Is Your Own Attachment Style?
Would you like to learn more about attachment and assess your own attachment style?
In this online quiz, you’ll be asked to answer questions about your parents, your partner, and your best friend. When you’re finished, the program will analyze your responses and provide you with an interesting summary of how these different relationships are organized in your mind. (It takes about 5 to 10 minutes to complete.)
Happy Couples
Filed under: Communication, Conflict, Dating, Engaged, Marriage, Relationship Patterns
The following is a summary of marriage research conducted by Dr. John Gottman. Read more about Dr. Gottman’s work in The Relationship Cure.
Happy couples respond positively to one another.
Partners continually make “bids” for each other’s attention, closeness, and reassurance through comments, questions, and/or gestures.
In successful marriages, spouses responded positively to these bids 86% of the time.
Through their words and their actions, they invited more connection. They communicated (with or without words), “You matter to me,” and “I want to connect with you, too.”
In fact, successful couples had at least 20 (yes, twenty) positive interactions for every 1 (one) negative interaction!
Happy couples argue.
What’s important is how you go about it. Among couples with lasting marriages…
About 80% of complaints came from wives. However, they raised issues gently and brought them up sooner rather than later.
In addition, husbands were willing to be influenced by their wives and to change their behavior.
Neither spouse became upset enough with one another to raise their heart rates above 95 beats per minute.
They didn’t escalate their arguments, but used humor, reassurance, and distraction to ease the tension.
In fact, successful couples made at least 5 positive remarks or gestures for every negative during an argument. (Remember, when they weren’t arguing, the ratio was about 20 to 1.)
Premarital Counseling: A biblically-sound, research-based approach
Filed under: Counseling, Engaged, Marriage, Marriage Ministries
At OC Christian Couples, we believe that old adage that “an ounce of prevention equals a pound of cure.”
In other words, it’s best to seek counsel early and learn how to create or enhance and maintain a loving, safe, and happy relationship — not only after the wedding, but from this day forward!
This program is based on sound biblical principles and scientific research to help you develop the kind of relationship that God intends for you to have.
Did you know that . . .
- problematic patterns of interaction develop early in a couple’s relationship, often during the dating phase?
- many couples believe things will improve once they’re married?
- to the contrary, these patterns persist over time and often escalate as the relationship continues?
- the number one reason people seek the help of a counselor is due to distress in a close relationship?
Get Your Marriage Off to a Great Start! Click here to read about our premarital counseling.
And they lived happily ever after . . .
Filed under: Communication, Marriage, Relationship Patterns
At least that’s what both men and women hope for when they marry.
All truth is God’s truth. The Bible is God’s special revelation to us.
General revelations are available to anyone who cares to notice what happens in the world. Marriage researcher Dr. John Gottman has been studying couple relationships for more than 20 years in his Seattle clinic. His findings are general revelations. Read more about his research in future posts or buy the book now!
The First Marriage
Filed under: Biblical Principles, Engaged, Marriage, Quotes
The Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.” …
So the Lord God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man’s ribs and closed up the place with flesh. Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man.
The man said,
“This is now bone of my bones
and flesh of my flesh;
she shall be called ‘woman,’
for she was taken out of man.”
For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh. (Genesis 2:18-24)
Looking for a Speaker?
Filed under: Dating, Divorce, Engaged, Events, Marriage, Marriage Ministries, Relationship Patterns
OC Christian Couples provides Marriage Education classes and seminars to the Christian community. Dr. Smith offers couples counseling and is available to speak to churches and community groups on the following topics:
How to Tell If You’ve Found Your Soul Mate (Dating 101)
Understanding Your Gender Differences
The Role of Emotions in Intimate Relationships
Keys to Living Happily Ever After
What Predicts Divorce & What to Do About It
For details or to schedule a presentation, please call 714.865.2164 or send an email message. We look forward to hearing from you!
Understanding Men
Do you ever wonder if the men in your life have any feelings?
Do you wonder how to get them to talk to you about what’s bothering them?
Does this sound like your relationship?
You say, “What are you thinking?”
He replies, “Nothing.”
Then this new website is for you!!
Visit The Psychology of Men and participate in this ongoing project by posting your own personal stories and asking questions about men. We will be answering as many questions as we can on the website. Just click the “Stories” or “Questions?” tab and type in your thoughts and questions in the Comments box.
We will also be offering free teleclasses on the Psychology of Men very soon, so check back often!
Contact Info:
Dr. Debi Smith
OC Christian Couples
12792 Valley View Street, Suite 209
Garden Grove, CA 92845
Email Dr. Smith
Do you have issues that never seem to get resolved?
Filed under: Conflict, Marriage, Quizzes, Relationship Patterns
Do you disagree about . . .
sex?
work?
money?
leisure time?
your parents?
how to raise the kids?
where to go on vacation?
Do all your arguments sound like the same old song, just a different verse?
You’re not alone.
Many couples have the same arguments over and over again. It’s exhausting. This negative cycle takes over their relationship. Neither partner feels important or valued or safe, so round and round they go, each passionately trying to be heard.
Are you and your partner stuck in a negative cycle?
Download The Checklist that will help you describe the way you feel and what you do when you and your partner are fighting or not getting along. If these things are happening repeatedly in your relationship, you may be stuck in a negative cycle.
If you checked multiple items on the list, click the question mark to see how OCCC can help you break free from the negativity to enjoy your relationship.
Ready for Love
Ready for Love for Singles & Solos (RFL)
This one-day class for singles, provides the secrets to building positive relationships and creating lasting love. By the end of the day, you’ll be on your way to winning people over, learning how to develop intimacy with a significant partner, and forming better communication with your boss, co-workers, family, and friends. You’ll also learn about boundaries for emotional safety and how to problem solve the “sticky situations” of life in such as way that both sides win.
See our calendar for upcoming and current classes.
$20 per person
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