Many women have had this experience. You meet this great guy, watch your Ps and Qs, give him lots of your time and attention, but the relationship just doesn’t seem to be going anywhere.
So you finally muster up the courage to talk with him about your relationship. And you don’t get the answer you were hoping for.
Men think very differently than we do.
If a man likes you and is attracted to you, he may “try you on for size” much like we try on a pair of shoes or a blouse at the department store. When a man includes you in his family’s activities, all he is really saying is that he likes to spend time with you. He enjoys your company. Take it as a compliment and no more.
Defining the Relationship
Women tend to get restless if they’ve been dating the same man for 6 to 9 months, and he isn’t talking about getting married. If she pressures him to know “where this is going,” he will feel like he’s being pursued … hunted down … trapped. It’s not unusual for a man to withdraw from a woman’s pursuit. The sad thing is that we don’t see our behavior as pressuring or attempting to trap a man. But he feels it quite differently. As old fashioned as it sounds, men still need to be the pursuer in romantic relationships.
If you have a DTR conversation and he says he “just wants to be friends” yet continues to make you a major part of his life, then he’s just not ready for marriage. What makes a man “ready” varies a bit from man to man, but one thing is certain: Nothing you do will make him ready. Men just don’t operate that way.
So what do you do?
Be honest. First with yourself. Then with him. If your goal for dating is (a) to find a lifetime partner and (b) get married within 12 months, then say so … right away … before you get emotionally invested in him. And ask him about his goal for dating. Then listen. Don’t talk. Don’t question. Don’t judge. Just listen. Whatever his answer, it’s about him … not you. (Obviously, this will be much easier to do if you don’t yet have a vested interest in his response.)
Most men have a great sense of integrity and will tell you the truth. If he says he’s “not looking to get married right now,” believe him. You won’t be able to change that … or anything else about him. (Despite popular opinion among women, a man cannot be intentionally changed by a woman … at least not with a positive outcome.)
The Bottom Line
If the two of you don’t share the same goal for dating, then you’re just not a “match.” It’s that simple. You may be incredibly attracted to one another, and adore him and his family, but if you’re not headed in the same direction, you won’t get anywhere.
Be confident that there are a lot of men out there in the “Dating Well” who are heading in the same direction you are and are “Dating Well.”
DISCLAIMER: All information provided is for educational purposes only. It is not a substitute for a professional evaluation. If you are experiencing emotional distress, please contact a mental health professional.
