Reality Check We know that the first marriage wasn't always a Garden-of-Eden experience, right? The first couple had their share of problems (see Genesis 3 and beyond), and contemporary couples do, too. It usually doesn't take long for couples to figure out that marriage is challenging, if not down right difficult at times. In fact, the number one reason people seek the help of a counselor is due to distress in a close relationship. Although marital difficulty doesn't necessarily lead to divorce, it's good to know how to recognize the warning signs. What relationship factors predict divorce? According to Dr. Gottman's marriage research, the following were characteristic of couples who divorced. In unhappy couples, partners still made many bids for attention, closeness, or reassurance. However, they only responded to each other's bids 33% of the time. Wives raised issues harshly and tended to make generalized statements, such as "You never ...," "You always ...," or "What's wrong with you?" Unhappy husbands got upset more easily (as indicated by heart rate, breathing, etc.) during arguments and had a harder time calming down. As a result, husbands tended to shut down and become as blank as a wall or to withdraw from their wives. Sometimes, wives shut down and/or withdrew. It was particularly disastrous if the wife was the one to withdraw. In short, when arguments started with a harsh comment, 94% of the time they only got worse! Trapped in a Cycle Before they realize what's happened to them, many couples develop an unhealthy cycle of interactions. Criticism - launching an attack on your partner by questioning his or her character, intelligence, and/or abilities Stonewalling - withdrawing and/or refusing to respond to your partner Defensiveness - reactively attacking for self-protection Contempt - this one is particularly toxic (Couples who show contempt, either verbally or nonverbally, for one another rarely fare well.) Relationship Repair Even so, Gottman found that 83% of newlyweds who criticized, stonewalled, and/or made defensive attacks were able to stabilize their marriages over time if ... they learned how to make adequate repairs of the damage after the fight. Good News! If you and your spouse are stuck in a relationship cycle that is making life difficult, help is available! Christian Couples Therapy At OC Christian Counseling, we understand how difficult and painful an unhappy marriage can be. We also understand your commitment to your faith and to your marriage, and we'd like to help. What's it like to be in Couples Counseling?