And They Lived Happily Ever After The Lord God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him." ... So the Lord God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man's ribs and closed up the place with flesh. Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man. The man said,        "This is now bone of my bones        and flesh of my flesh;        she shall be called 'woman,'        for she was taken out of man." For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh. (Genesis 2:18-24) And They Lived Happily Ever After? At least that's what both men and women hope for when they marry. Marriage researcher Dr. John Gottman has been studying couple relationships for more than 20 years in his Seattle clinic. Read on to learn some of what he's discovered. Happy couples respond positively to one another. Partners continually make "bids" for each other's attention, closeness, and reassurance through comments, questions, and/or gestures. In successful marriages, spouses responded positively to these bids 86% of the time. Through their words and their actions, they invited more connection. They communicated (with or without words), "You matter to me," and "I want to connect with you, too." In fact, successful couples made at least 20 (yes, twenty) positive remarks for every 1 (one) negative remark! Happy couples argue. What's important is how you go about it. Among couples with lasting marriages... About 80% of complaints came from wives. However, they raised issues gently and brought them up sooner rather than later. In addition, husbands were willing to be influenced by their wives and to change their behavior. Neither spouse became upset enough with one another to raise their heart rates above 95 beats per minute. They didn't escalate their arguments, but used humor, reassurance, and distraction to ease the tension. In fact, successful couples made at least 5 positive remarks or gestures for every negative during an argument. (Remember, when they weren't arguing, the ratio was about 20 to 1.) top Securely Attached How well couples fare depends greatly on the security of their attachment. In other words, the bottom line for both men and women is the answer to the question, "Will you be there when I need you?" Throughout life, both men and women need someone who is available (will you be there) and responsive (when I need you). In fact, emotional attachment is essential for your spiritual, physical, and mental well-being! How Secure Is Your Own Attachment Style? Would you like to learn more about attachment and assess your own attachment style? Check out Free Attachment Quiz. What relationship factors predict divorce?